Parents are concerned today about how to protect their children from pornography and harmful materials. The National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families released some helpful tips for parents to safeguard their children and families:
Get comfortable- Practice talking about pornography and sex with your spouse- get out the giggles and prepare for questions before you talk to your kids.
Keep the door of communication open with each family member.
If you have reason to suspect your child is viewing inappropriate sites, do not react in a way that is shaming - approach your son or daughter with respect and in private.
Develop a trusting relationship with your child early so they feel safe with you when you bring up your concerns.
Add to online profiles that you monitor your child’s use of the Internet
Keep your computers in heavy traffic areas in your home, including laptops and handheld devices.
Discourage your children from making friends online. Predators will try to convince kids otherwise and usually lie about who they are online so they can meet kids and hurt them.
Use a filtering program or service. Two of our favorites here at LifeSTAR St. George are K9 (free) and Pandora’s Hope (a filtered router that filters every Internet-enabled device in your home).
Check CD’s, jump drives, and other external hard drives for inappropriate content.
Check History Files often and consider using accountability software that shows where family members have been on the Internet (Covenant Eyes is a good program for this)
Spend time with your child as they surf the Internet
Ask your child to show you what IM (Instant messaging) looks like
Spend time with your child on-line, and have them teach you about their favorite on-line destinations
Get to know and use the “Parental Controls” provided by your Internet Service Provider and/or blocking software
Always maintain access to your child’s on-line account, social media pages (Facebook, Twitter, etc) and randomly check his or her account with them
It’s important for parents to be aware of possible internet traps kids can get into accidentally. Children’s characters are often linked to thousands of porn links, such as Dora, Pokeman, etc.
Teach your child about responsible use of the resources on the Internet and set time limits.
Find out what safeguards are used at your child’s school, the public library and at the homes of your child’s friends. These are all places, outside your supervision, where a child could encounter an on-line predator. Talk with the parents of your children’s friends to find out how they safeguard the Internet in their homes. This takes courage and will be uncomfortable. However, you will never regret protecting your children and possibly your child’s friends.
Instruct your child NEVER to arrange face-to-face meetings with someone on-line and NOT to respond to messages or bulletin board postings that are suggestive, obscene, belligerent or harassing. As the parent, explain these terms at the child’s level. Also, explain why they shouldn’t arrange face to face meetings- predators lie about who they are online (they say they are younger, different gender, have the same interests as the kid etc.) so they can meet the kid and hurt them.
Tell your child to NEVER give out identifying information such as name, address, school name or telephone number to people they don’t know
Explain to your child to NEVER post pictures of themselves on the Internet - let them know this has seriously harmed other children. Additionally, consider monitoring your child’s Facebook page if he/she has one, and discuss other social networking sites your child is interested in
Teach your child to come and get you when they accessed something on the Internet that makes them feel uncomfortable, no matter what it is
Teach your child that the Internet is a good source for educational, recreational and creative searches, but has also been infiltrated by harmful messages.
Let your child know that he/she is not “bad” if he/she comes across inappropriate content.
Research shows that when parents openly discuss these topics the youth are less likely to experiment and more likely to follow their parents recommendations.
This video produced by Enough is Enough has some startling confessions by teenagers, both boys and girls, who have been affected by their use of pornography. One young man says that because the girls he gets with won’t act like porn stars, it makes him feel less manly, as if he was doing something wrong to not get them to act that way. This is why I am so adamant in spreading the word that pornography is not sex education. It’s sex MIS-education.
By Jeffrey J. Ford, MS, LMFT
Program Director – YouthSTAR of St. George, UT
Talking about sex and pornography has quickly become a top priority for parents and their children to discuss in recent years, and with research indicating that adolescents today appear to be using pornography much more than any other age group (Arnett, 2006) parents need to know how to talk about pornography and how to recognize signs that their child may be already struggling with pornography. In a study conducted at BYU Jason Carroll (2008) and others found that 9 out of 10 boys and one third of girls use pornography. Research like this can be sobering and overwhelming for parents that are trying to raise their kids today. Talking about pornography and sex is particularly difficult for parents that didn’t have that type of talk with their parents when they were kids. Some parents are unsure or confused about when to talk to their kids about such an important topic and feel torn between giving their child too much information or too little for their age. In what ever situation a parent finds themselves in it is helpful to remember that it is never to late to change, to make things right.
The first thing that parents have to realize as they begin having this conversation with their kids is that this is not a one time “talk” that will occur in an evening or at dinner. Many people that I have talked to have described their experience of having the one time “talk” with their parents. One young man shared that his father took him on a long walk when he was twelve years old and that when the walk ended he never heard anything about sex or pornography again. He told me “I was in shock! My dad talked for 2 hours about things I had never heard of before.” The result was that the boy took all of the confusing information his father gave him and did two things: 1. He asked his friends about it. He shared that this confused him more than before because it was clear that many of his friends were as ignorant as he was. 2. He went to the internet and looked things up. This boys World Wide Web inquiry began innocently enough, but that day it ended in an exposure to pornography that created a hunger that developed into a full fledged addiction. Repeatedly having this discussion with your son or daughter provides room for them to sort through confusing information and experiences, and it also ensures that the parent is the person who gives the most accurate, safe information.
It is also helpful to remember that an adolescent will open up about things in stages and rarely opens up about something all at once. Teenagers are trying to make sense of what is going on around them, what their peers are doing, and if they will be accepted or not. Sometimes parents scare their kids away when their child comes to them with one question. Parents become so eager to help perhaps after so many times of not being able to help that they might think “At last a chance to unload!” As the parent unloads everything, their child will likely tune out and feel lectured, and most importantly their needs will not be met. It is helpful to remember that our children will not learn everything at once, and we don’t need cover everything at once either. Learning about sex and pornography is a process that takes time and requires safety in asking questions. There isn’t one right way to discuss this topic as long as the discussions take place — find a framework or analogy or way to talk about this that fits for you and draws upon values that are important to you and your family.
Parents must begin a long conversation that occurs many times about pornography that can provide an opportunity to clarify values, beliefs, express opinions, instill truths about sexuality, and answer questions that their child will have. Jill Manning has said parents need to “start having new kinds of conversations about pornography — ones that go beyond scary statistics, frightening forecasts, graphic details and dire realities, and which shift into dialogues that are empowering, hopeful and arm people with practical strategies for being able to address this issue in their own [lives] effectively.” These types of conversations go well beyond why pornography is bad and explore what your son or daughter thinks and feels about pornography, especially if they have been exposed to pornography already. In essence parents need to create a safe place for their kids to talk about dangerous things such as pornography.
Here are some tips that can be help parents create safety for their kids to talk about dangerous things:
1- One way to begin fostering an environment of safety is to stay calm when your son or daughter begins to ask questions about sex or pornography or share their experience about learning about sex or pornography. Teenagers are attuned to their parents non-verbal cues and will avoid talking about things or asking questions if they sense that mom or dad is anxious or upset. Staying calm is particularly important if a parent discovers that their teenager has been looking at pornography. In this case, parents should carefully plan a response that is based on understanding and helping their teen versus punishing or shaming them. One of the most important things a parent can do is to ask questions such as “how long have you been viewing pornography?” or “have you also masturbated while you looked at pornography?” If your teen has been viewing pornography for a significant amount of time they want help, and if parents can provide a safe place for them to share about their struggle they will be more likely to come out of hiding. One teen I worked with said this “when my parents caught me looking at porn, it was an answer to prayer! The night before I prayed that something would happen so I could stop looking at porn. I have tried and tried to stop by myself, and I just couldn’t do it. I was relieved when my parents found out!” In this case, the parents and teen are more likely to get the help they need to begin recovery. Another teen shared this “the last people I want to tell are my parents! Whenever the subject of pornography comes up, my parents talk about how sick and wrong people are who look at it! Well I look at it, so they will not love me if I tell them.” The way parents talk about people who look at porn will contribute to creating a safe place or create a hostile place for their kids to come to their parents. Showing your son or daughter that what they share with you isn’t going to send you over the emotional edge creates a lot of safety and encourages them to share more.
2- It is also important that parents create room to make mistakes along the way as teens begin recovery. Telling your son or daughter “don’t ever let me catch you looking at porn again” or “don’t you dare do this again” may cause a lot of panic, especially if your teen has already attempted to stop and failed. One young man shared that after his parents caught him, they scolded him and forbade him to ever do it again. He said “my parents didn’t understand! I had already tried to stop and I couldn’t do it. How do they expect me to just turn it off? So I just stopped talking about it with them, because I didn’t want to disappoint them anymore.” Teenagers need a safe place to talk about how a slip affects them and how to do better the next time. Inviting your son or daughter to come to you whenever they are struggling opens the door and prevents them from going underground with their addiction.
3- Many parents also get caught in the trap of offering false forgiveness when their teen begins the disclosure process. False forgiveness usually occurs soon after an adolescent discloses something to their parent, and the parent says something to this effect: “It doesn’t matter, it’s water under the bridge, I forgive you and I love you, I’ve always loved you!” Certainly communicating love when your son or daughter has done something wrong is important, however, love is not forgiveness. Forgiveness can only occur when everything that was done has been disclosed, and each person has had time to sort out how they feel about it. Remember much of the time initial disclosure begins the process of getting the whole story, and is rarely the whole story! Offering forgiveness to someone who knows that there is more will most likely feel cheap and fake, and it does nothing to provide safety. It also devalues the learning process for the adolescent to be accountable for what they have done. The bottom line is to remember that forgiveness is a process just like disclosure, and reminding your son or daughter that you are committed to work through that with them will create a lot of safety. It is generally more helpful for a parent to commit to their teen that they will be there for them and help them in any way possible to overcome their addiction to pornography.
The most important thing to keep in mind as parents talk with their teens about pornography is that together they can find solutions to heal. Pornography’s influence diminishes when a teen has a safe place to talk about it. In cases when a person has become addicted it is important to remember that maintaining a safe place for your child to come back to for healing and support as much as needed will influence your child’s belief in being able to overcome their addiction.
Jeffrey J. Ford, M.S., is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, UT. He is the program director of YouthSTAR of St. George, UT adolescent pornography addiction recovery program (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is also facilitates LifeSTAR recovery groups for adults who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors. Jeff received his B.S. degree at the University of Utah in Psychology and his masters degree in Marriage & Family Therapy at Purdue University. He has practiced therapy in Indiana, Illinois, and Utah and is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. He has contributed to the field by publishing articles about the practice of marriage and family therapy. In addition to his clinical practice, he has been an instructor of psychology and adolescent development on a university level. He is married and the father of three children. His favorite pastimes include being with his family and doing anything outdoors, especially mountain bike riding and hiking.
Emerging Adults Generation XXX: Pornography Acceptance and Use Among
Journal of Adolescent Research 2008; 23; 6 Carolyn McNamara Barry and Stephanie D. Madsen
Jason S. Carroll, Laura M. Padilla-Walker, Larry J. Nelson, Chad D. Olson,
Arnett, J. J. (2006). Emerging adulthood: Understanding the new way of coming of age. In
J. J. Arnett & J. L. Tanner (Eds.), Emerging adults in America: Coming of age in the 21st
century (pp. 3-20). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
I was recently reading the first section of the new book “Pornland: How Porn has Highjacked Our Sexuality“and ran across this tagline the author found on a pornography site. It said, “Don’t Come Here Looking for Love.”
Now, that’s probably the only honest thing one would find on a porn site.
Love is about mutual respect. It’s about fidelity. It’s about sacrifice. It’s about giving (not taking). They’re right…. there is no love in pornography. As a matter of fact, pornography is the opposite of love. It’s about exploitation. It exploits and uses those who make it. It exploits and robs those who view it. And, sadly, it traumatizes the romantic partners of those who view it.
I wish that tagline would say a little more. Perhaps there could be a warning label like on a cigarette package. As a matter of fact, Wendy Maltz has already written such a warning label. You can download it here: Hazards of Porn - Wendy Maltz
The Washington Times recent ran an article citing some statistics about women’s use of pornography. One thing the article mentions is that when women use pornography, they are more likely to become victims of nonconsensual sex. This is a terrible combination. If men who use pornography are more likely to manipulate to get a sexual experience and women who view pornography are more likely to go along with it, then how can this be good for relationships, marriages, and families. Many popular media outlets such as Oprah and other women’s magazines often cite the relationship benefits of pornography and erotica. They talk about how wonderful it is for couples to “spice up” their marriages. They talk about being more open-minded and less prudish. They parade porn stars on their shows and talk about the glamour of the business. It’s all a lie. Jill Manning, PhD, says that the pornography industry and the mass media (who appear to all be working pretty well together) don’t tell you that “sex may sell, but showing sexually transmitted diseases, addictions, failing relationships, unwanted pregnancies, less than perfect bodies, sexual abuse, and mental illness tends to have a negative effect on profits.” Women and men are being sold a fraudulent message and individual lives, marriages, families, and society are paying the price.
If you haven’t heard of the CP80 initiative, it’s time to get informed! This is a group who is lobbying to divide the Internet up into different ports for different purposes. Much like cable TV, the CP80 group is interested in creating a community port where there is no access to inappropriate material. The “adult” port would be a separate port where pornographers can post their websites without worrying that their rights are being trampled on. The rest of us can simply choose to not subscribe to the “adult” port, stay on the community port, and not worry about having our families a click away from pornography.
Of course, this is something that the pornography industry wouldn’t be very excited about. Like the cigarette and alcohol industries, the pornography industry relies on exposing young people to their addictive products to create lifetime consumers. If the chance of early exposure is taken away, they might not be able to create the type of customer base they currently enjoy.
CP80 produced a documentary on their efforts called “Traffic Control“. I highly recommend purchasing a copy of this documentary. It’s sobering, to say the least.
CP80 is another example of what happens when concerned citizens band together to protect families. Let’s support their efforts!
The New York Times recently featured an article on the physical and emotional toll created by constant texting. It’s a challenge to create quiet space in the mind/body when there are so many things buzzing and beeping around us. I like the last observation in the article about the impact of parents not being available for their children emotionally because they’re so plugged into their devices. I believe that strong attachment to others is a great protection against addiction.
I posted a link to an MP3 recording of a presentation I did in March 2009 here in St. George for a group of parents on the topic of protecting children and families from the dangers of Internet pornography. CLICK HERE for the audio file (you can either stream it by clicking on the link or right click and “save link as” to download it to you computer).
Parents are concerned today about how to protect their children from pornography and harmful materials. The National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families released some helpful tips for parents to safeguard their children and families: