Pornography treatment Archives - lifestarstgeorge.com

Aug 30, 2016

Posts Tagged ‘Pornography treatment’

Hope After Betrayal - book review

Posted at December 17th, 2015
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: healing pornography addiction - partners of sexual addicts - Pornography Addiction - Pornography treatment - St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
Categories: Pornography Addiction, Trauma and pornography addiction
No Comments »

Mark Chamberlain, PhD, shares his review of this important book to help women who have been sexually betrayed by their spouses.

You’re Not Alone! Review of Meg Wilson’s Book, Hope after Betrayal

You may be on a parallel path with many other women, but you’ll experience some unique twists and turns as you work to recover from the betrayal trauma of your husband’s sexual addiction. Here’s what I love most about Meg Wilson’s book, Hope After Betrayal: she’s included the stories of several women, and there’s enough variety to help every reader realize that, whatever her circumstances, she’s in the company of other good women.

Meg’s husband confessed his sexual addiction to her and took responsibility for it. That facilitates the process of healing both individually and as a couple. But maybe your situation is more like that of Stephanie:

“When I showed the printout to my husband, his reaction caught me off guard. He turned on me, calling me a snoop—and worse. This was not how I’d imagined the discussion would go. Suddenly my problems were a lot bigger. Deciding the best thing to do was research, I bought all the books I could find on sexual addiction. I even made copies of key pages and left them in places where my husband would see them, hoping he’d be interested in reading them. I took a critical look at my appearance, which prompted some changes. Surely some sexier clothes would help keep my husband’s interest. I contemplated plastic surgery. I also made sure to be available sexually at all times. Every effort only made him more angry and withdrawn. I just need to find the right tactic . . .” Continue Reading

When the world crumbles

Posted at January 13th, 2015
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: betrayal trauma - healing pornography addiction - long-term recovery - Partners of pornography addicts - partners of sexual addicts - Pornography treatment - sexual addiction - St George Utah pornography addiction - St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
Categories: Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
1 Comment »

When the World Crumbles
by Jill Call, LMFT

Trauma shakes the very foundation on which you’ve built your life. Trauma is defined as a life-threatening event and, with betrayal trauma, it threatens the life you’ve built together. Your world can start to crumble when suddenly you discover your partner isn’t someone you know anymore.

As women, we mostly define ourselves in relation to others. “I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a sister. I am a friend.” Because we define ourselves by our relationships with others, betrayal trauma can have life-altering effects.

For example, you might think to yourself, “If my partner isn’t who I thought he was, then the life we’ve built together may not be real, and what about me is true anymore?” Or perhaps this one, “I don’t know him anymore. I don’t know myself anymore. And I don’t know my life anymore.” You can see the life-changing implications of such thoughts.

Trauma causes a myriad of symptoms. If your life has been threatened by betrayal trauma, you may experience fear, racing heart, anxiety, hyper vigilance, depression, loss of appetite, increase in appetite, apathy, low tolerance threshold, anger, sadness, impatience, losing your temper, crying, shaking, and other effects. You may begin to examine your life and fear that anything familiar cannot be trusted. That is one of the effects of betrayal trauma. It’s an earthquake that shakes the very foundation of the life you’ve built and trusted.

When betrayal trauma shakes the foundation of your life you may start to wonder if everything you’ve built has been right. You may start to question or even reject parts of your life that have always been your solid ground. This starts to create a crisis of belief and further shakes your foundation. The lyrics to a song by Parachute describe this well, “and I lost my faith, in my darkest day.”

Your ability to stand on solid ground, and have a place from which to be steadfast, strong and stable is crucial to recovery. In LifeStar we talk about “resourcing” or “getting grounded.” This refers to the recovery skill of creating stability, peace, and emotional safety for yourself. This can be done by setting boundaries, by intentional self-care, or by mindfulness meditation. There are so many ways to find your center and put you back on solid ground. When you’ve lost yourself in this crumbling world of betrayal trauma, finding your solid ground is essential to your recovery.

I recently took a trip to visit the Hoover Dam, which is on the border between Arizona and Nevada. This massive structure was built in the 1930’s with over 5 million barrels of concrete (4.5 million cubic yards). Just to give you some perspective: that’s enough concrete to pave a 2-lane highway from Seattle, WA to Miami, FL. The engineers estimated it would take nearly 80 years for all of that concrete to cure completely. To me, it’s instructive that although the foundation for the Hoover Dam is solid and strong, it has been curing and becoming stronger over the last 80 years.

Establishing your solid ground in the midst of a crumbling world takes work, and sometimes a shift in perspective. When standing on the Hoover Dam marveling at it’s massive structure, it’s easy to become sidetracked and miss the whole purpose of the dam.

It was built to manage and harness the power of the Colorado River. Before the dam, the river would flood and dry up on its own unpredictable timetable. The towns along the river depended on it for their very life, and yet it could wreak havoc to their lives through torrential flood or dried up dirt. The river caused trauma to the lives of those who so desperately depended on it. The dam created safety by forming a reservoir.

Create your solid ground and your safety. Tend to your foundation. Recognize that not all the familiar parts of your life that you’ve counted on throughout the years have betrayed you. Turn around and see the reservoir of life you have created. What is in your reservoir? Is it strength? Hope? Good friends? Kindness? Faith? Trauma may have shaken your foundation but you are finding your solid ground. It is curing and becoming stronger and stronger. And you have a reservoir of life from which to draw your own peace, stability, and emotional safety.

Putting your plan of action to use

Posted at April 18th, 2014
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: General Sexual Addiction - Pornography Addiction - Pornography treatment - St George Utah pornography addiction - St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
Categories: Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
No Comments »

by Jon Worlton, LCSW
LifeStar of St. George, UT

The creation of and commitment to a written plan of action is a critical component of the recovery process. Early in Phase II we ask each life star participant to take the time to think through activities and behaviors that are important to them, and that nurture their growth and development in the five important areas in each of our lives: our physical, emotional, spiritual, relational & social, and intellectual selves. Todd Olsen and Dan Gray point out in the Tool Box pamphlet that the Action Plan is a tool to help implement our goals in these areas in a “regular and organized daily program.” They also point out that, “Eventually, this routine will become a healthy flow, and will replace your old self-destructive behaviors.”

The most common mistake I see with the Action Plan is that we create a wonderful written plan, share it with a therapist, group, and / or loved one, check it off of the list of assignments to be done in recovery, and then file it in a notebook rarely to be looked at again. To avoid that common mistake, I suggest developing the following practices.

First, in the beginning find time to review this plan on a daily basis. As you develop the habit of thinking about and intentionally organizing your days and weeks around your most important values, you may move from a daily review to a weekly review. I find Sunday’s to be a good time for this kind of review. During these daily or weekly reviews ask yourself, “Where in my schedule will these activities happen?” Put them in your calendar and then stay committed to your plan.

Second, regulary evaluate the effectiveness of your Action Plan. During the first three months of your recovery you may do this on a monthly basis and then, as you get your action plan “dialed in” to those activities that will be most supportive of good recovery, move to a quarterly review. In other words, your Action Plan needs to grow and develop as you learn new things about yourself, your addiction, and the healing process. As you review your action plan you will want to ask yourself some of the following questions:
Have I been following my plans? Why or Why Not?
Are the activities I committed myself to strengthening and nurturing my recovery like I thought they would?
Are these activities helping me stay connected to the important people in my life?
Are my plans helping me live true to my most important values?
Am I having some fun and recreation?
Have some of the activities lost their effectiveness?
Do I need to change up my routine?
Are there new bottom lines I need to add?
Third, beware of shame. It is not uncommon for group members to overcommit themselves in their first couple of attempts at creating their action plan. When they fail to implement the plan perfectly they experience shame and rather than adjusting the plan to fit the reality of their lives they hide. Shame can keep you from honestly evaluating your commitments and the reasons you failed to meet them. Some times we fail because we didn’t prioritize our commitments and we need to make changes in our lifestyle. Sometimes we fail because we were trying to be superman in recovery. Trying to be perfect or “shiney” in recovery is a manifestation of the old addict self. Our plans should challenge us, but they should not overwhelm us. When you fail to follow through with your action plan, be accountable with a group member, therapist, friend, or sponsor, and ask for feedback.

It is now the middle of April. Spring is upon us, the temperatures in Southern Utah are wonderful, and Easter is around the corner. There is much to remind us of fresh starts, a new beginning, and restorations. Of course this also means that the first quarter of 2014 has come to a close. I find that taking time on a regular basis to take a step back from our busy and hectic lives to evaluate the progress we have made over the past 90 days is a critical part of recovery. This evaluation should naturally lead to plans and commitments that need to be a part of our recovery for the next 90 days. A phase II client recently shared this advise in group: “A slip does not begin with the presence of slip behaviors, it begins with the absence of recovery behaviors.”

Why your critics aren’t the ones who count

Posted at March 12th, 2014
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: Pornography Addiction - Pornography treatment - sexual addiction - sexual addiction recovery - St George Utah pornography addiction - St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
Categories: Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
2 Comments »

)

Brene Brown has taught powerful truths about vulnerability and shame. In this presentation, she takes her message further by specifically addressing how to handle those who might criticize our efforts to create something new. People in recovery, both men and women, often hold back from taking risks to try new behaviors, such as sharing their feelings, interacting differently with loved ones, and other new behaviors.

Letting go of what is not ours

Posted at March 11th, 2014
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: healing pornography addiction - Partners of pornography addicts - partners of sexual addicts - pornography - Pornography Addiction - Pornography treatment - sexual addiction - St George Utah pornography addiction - St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
Categories: Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
1 Comment »

by Jill Call, MS, LMFT
LifeStar of St. George, Utah

It’s been said that worry is like a rocking chair, it will give you something to do but doesn’t get you anywhere. Worrying, obsessing and controlling are illusions. They’re just tricks that we play on ourselves. We trick ourselves into thinking that by worrying, obsessing, and controlling we’re doing something to solve the problem. We’re tricking ourselves into using our time and energy in non-productive ways. Spouses of pornography addicts are at high risk for buying into the illusion of control and losing time and energy to worry and obsessing.

We need to let go of our worry and attempts at control.

Let’s consider a common example that spouses of pornography addicts experience. Cindy is afraid of her husband having a slip. She’s afraid of what that would mean for his recovery, and how devastated she would feel. In fact, she’s so afraid of this that she goes out of her way to make sure he doesn’t slip. She rarely lets him out of her sight, and tries to be with him during his every waking move. Even at night, if he shifts in his sleep, she’s awake and making sure that he’s still asleep. She regulates his computer usage, his cell phone usage, and his time in the bathroom. She even starts sneaking into a room where he’s alone to “catch” him in the act. She’s giving herself an ulcer.

Can you relate to her fear? Maybe she’s afraid that he won’t manage his behavior as well as her. Perhaps she’s afraid of how much it will hurt to sit back and let him manage it and risk making mistakes trying to figure it out. Her actions are damaging her and sending a message to her husband that she doesn’t believe he can handle himself..

The truth is: she will never be able to prevent him from choosing his behavior. He will always have that ability, despite her illusion of control. The perceived control she takes to manage his behavior is an illusion. The truth is it’s not hers to worry about, obsess over, or try to control.

Also, how much is her husband accountable for his behavior in this scenario? How much is he learning about his own triggers, or pain, or self-management? His wife is stepping into his realm of learning and taking away all the important lessons. Sadly, her good intentions to help in recovery actually prevent him from learning the lessons that will enable him to stay in solid recovery.

And finally, how much agony is this poor woman in? There’s so much fear and worry. Unfortunately, she’s unwittingly added agony to this by trying to control what is not hers to control.

We must learn to let go of what is not ours.

Letting go of worry and your attempts at managing your spouse doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It means you’re learning how to love and care without making yourself sick with worry. If you allow your partner to manage his own behaviors and choices, you’re giving back to him his responsibility and accountability so he can grow. By doing this, you’re allowing your partner to take accountability for his actions and for the consequences that follow. You’re also allowing him to learn to connect to you instead of you doing everything possible to prevent him from disconnecting from you and the relationship by acting out.

Since you’re connected, the consequences of your partner’s actions will affect you. The woman in the scenario above was managing her husband’s behavior because the fear of losing her connection to him and being alone overwhelms her. If he has a slip, it signals to her that he is moving away from her which will naturally trigger more fear, pain, and sadness. She wants to manage him as a way to protect herself from being alone. But for all her worry and attempts to control, if he slips, does it ultimately hurt her any less?

If you’re giving back accountability to your husband, he is also held more accountable for how his actions affect you. Worrying about how to protect yourself from the pain of his slip is like walking around with an umbrella waiting for it to rain. While it might “rain” frequently in your relationship, walking around with an umbrella open just waiting for the rain blocks out any blue sky that might be there.

Certainly you have a right to safety and shelter. So, if there’s rain, get your umbrella. If storm clouds are gathering, get your umbrella. But hovering sheltered under your umbrella all day and night from fear of the rain robs you of the chance to have peace during good weather.

Here are a few suggestions to help you give accountability back to your husband:

Acknowledge to him that you recognize how afraid you’ve been that he won’t do his own recovery work and tell him you’re going to work on allowing him to do his own work.
Open up to your support system and your group that you’re going to be accountable for the times when you become fearful and begin to take over your husband’s recovery efforts.
Try sharing the fear underneath the controlling behaviors so you can let your husband and your support system know how important it is for you to feel safe and connected.

There is peace and assurance and proper accountability in letting your partner own what is his. You will free yourself from the burden of doing all of the work to guarantee that you won’t lose your connection to your partner. Letting go of what is not yours will bring you more peace and make it easier to believe your partner’s own efforts at connecting with you.

The Proper Use of Boundaries - Creating Space for Healing and Change

Posted at February 6th, 2014
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: Pornography treatment - St George Utah pornography addiction - St. George Utah Affair Recovery - St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
Categories: Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
1 Comment »

by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder and Director, Affair Recovery

If someone steps on my foot I’ll probably say “ouch”. If they do it time after time I will eventually tell them to stop because they’re hurting me. The process of telling them to stop is where a boundary is set. I’m telling them their actions are hurting me and they need to stop stepping on my foot. I may even tell them what I’m going to do to avoid being stepped on, if they don’t stop.

At that point I’ve set the “don’t step on my foot boundary.” Notice, my actions aren’t aimed at changing them, but rather in protecting my foot, as well as our relationship. The other person will ultimately have to decide whether or not they’re going to alter their behavior, but at least I’ve warned them and I know what I’m going to do in order to protect myself.

Relationships are no different. At times our mate “steps on our foot” and hurts us. We have several ways we can respond:

1. We can ignore it and just hope it doesn’t happen again. (this may be okay if it’s a first offense, but if there’s a repetitive pattern more may need to be done before you grow resentful or worse, empower their behavior).

2. We can say “ouch” and hope our mate notices our pain and makes efforts not to do it again.

3. We can withdraw and make sure they don’t ever have an opportunity to step on us again.

4. We can stomp on their foot so they’ll know what it feels like and will be more careful next time.

5. We can be assertive and set a boundary, letting them know that stepping on our foot is not OK.

6. After setting the boundary we could also let them know what we’re going to do to protect ourselves from being stepped on.

Infidelity is certainly a more extreme pain than getting one’s foot stepped on, but the potential response patterns are the same. Some are helpful and others aren’t. The goal for boundaries is self-protection and relationship regulation. Within a relationship, the absence of a feedback mechanism to inform our mate of our wounds limits our ability as a couple to accommodate one another. Healthy couples communicate what they appreciate about their mate, what their mate is doing that’s wounding them and they take responsibility for their hurtful actions by making amends for having wounded them. Without these three forms of communication it’s difficult to know if we really matter to our mate. Do they really care? Are they going to be there when we cry out for them?

Boundaries help define the expectations of our relationship. There are boundaries that define our space as a couple. These boundaries help protect our relationship. They define monogamy for our marriage and our rules of engagement. If others cross these boundaries we feel they are interfering with our lives. If one of the partners crosses that boundary, they betray the agreement they have with their mate.

We often mistakenly believe the purpose of boundaries is behavior modification, but this is not true. Boundaries are for self-protection and the protection of the relationship as a whole. Hopefully, when the boundaries are bumped, out of respect, concern and heartfelt empathy for us, the person violating the boundary will make amends and make it a point to honor our boundaries. If they refuse to honor our boundaries, we’ll need to do what is necessary to enforce them.

While boundaries are essential for defining how we’re to live and interact with one another, they are ineffective when it comes to changing our mate. All too often I see the wounded mate establishing consequences to their boundaries in hopes that their mate’s fear of the consequence will get them to stop the destructive behaviors or patterns. While that fear may serve as a short term deterrent, it won’t work as a long term solution.

The pain resulting from consequences suffered as the result of boundary violations serve only as short-term deterrents to destructive behavior. They are effective only as long as the pain remains or the fear of the consequence is in place, but once those fears are gone the motivation for change decreases. The new behaviors will remain only as long as the memory of that pain is fresh or they still care whether or not they lose what they have. But, when the new behaviors no longer provide the happiness they seek, it won’t be long until the allure of returning to old behaviors outweighs the benefits of the new behaviors.

I’m not saying that things can’t change, but change that is externally imposed is short term, at best. True change comes from inside out. It’s about a change of heart, not a change of behavior. It comes because we care and we’re willing to do whatever is necessary to be different. Do not misunderstand, consequences must be set to protect yourself, and hopefully those consequences will serve as an impetus to begin the stages of long term transformation.

Marriage is hard. There is no way two people can negotiate a life together and not step on each other’s toes. There has to be give and take and the ability to communicate when our mate is hurting us. Hopefully, our mate responds and makes a sincere effort to stop hurting us. Healthy marriages are a process of negotiation and compromise where, because of our love, we try to act in our mate’s best interest. Research shows that a third of all marital problems are unsolvable. What happy couples have that others don’t is an ability to peacefully live and work around our perpetual problems. But for that to occur there has to be a genuine concern for our mate and a willingness, to forgo our happiness for theirs.

The Three Stages of Boundaries:
If your mate continues to seek their own pleasure at the expense of the relationship and your well-being, boundaries need to be established, or reinforced. But, don’t forget that behavior doesn’t always equal motive. From time to time, we all fail and act in ways that are contrary to how we want to be, which is why I suggest the following progression when implementing boundaries.

The FIRST stage is a request where you clearly communicate how their actions are hurting you and ask them to stop. Don’t assume they are intentionally committing the offense. Explaining to them how their actions have hurt you and requesting that they not do it again gives them opportunity to show the condition of their heart. If they take responsibility and acknowledge that what they did was wrong, you’re off to a good start. If they are genuinely concerned over the fact that they’ve wounded you and are doing whatever they can to help you heal, then they’re acting in your best interest. If they’re upset with themselves for having hurt you and are seeking reconciliation, then it’s a fairly safe bet that this person values you and the relationship and will do their best to avoid hurting you in the future.

The SECOND stage is telling them to stop. If you’ve asked and they continue their hurtful behavior, you turn up the volume by telling them they’re hurting you and telling them to stop. The goal of the boundary is for your protection. They may or may not respect your boundary, but if you love them, then for love’s sake the boundary needs to be set. Love always acts in the best interest of the other person. Allowing them to act in a way that’s unloving isn’t loving to them. It’s not okay to enable someone to act in ways that are self-destructive or to treat others in ways that are destructive. Love compels us to act in the best interest of the other person.

Their response to your telling them to stop is the next litmus test of their heart’s condition. If there is no response, it’s time to go to stage three. If they are grieved over their continued failure and are attempting to address the problem, there’s hope. If they say they’ll stop, but aren’t grieved over the damage they’ve caused you, their heart may still be hard and they may be ambivalent about stopping the behavior. Ambivalence is a state where a person holds two diametrically opposed positions at the same time and it leaves them stuck, unable to choose one or the other. For this person there is a strong likelihood that they will once again violate the boundary.

The THIRD stage is demanding they stop and telling them what you’re going to do to protect yourself if they don’t. This is the stage of consequences, but notice the point of setting the boundary isn’t to change them, rather it’s for your protection. We don’t control how they’ll respond, but we do control how we’re going to respond if they don’t stop the destructive behaviors.

When enforcing boundaries it’s important to respond out of love. It’s not about vengeance, it’s not about controlling them, it is about telling them that it’s not okay to treat others the way they’re treating you. It’s communicating that because of your love and respect for them and your own self-respect, you will not allow them to keep acting this way.

They will have two choices: they will either chose to do what’s necessary to honor your boundaries or they will continue to act in their own selfish interest. If it’s the latter, you’ll have to follow through with the course of action you’ve chosen to keep yourself safe. This is not an attempt to get them to change, but hopefully the consequence will result in their re-evaluating the importance of the relationship versus their own happiness and at the very least, provide the opportunity for change or intervention to start the healing process from infidelity

A Guide For The Young Women Who Are Dating: Pornography Addiction is SERIOUS!

Posted at December 13th, 2013
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: Partners of pornography addicts - Pornography Addiction - Pornography treatment - St George Utah pornography addiction - St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
Categories: Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
7 Comments »

by Jacy

(Pornography addiction is sexual addiction. Sexual addiction is pornography addiction. Don’t let the words scare you off or make you think it doesn’t apply to you. It’s all the same and as such, I refer to both in this guide.)

1) DO NOT TURN A BLIND EYE

Sometimes ignorance can be momentarily blissful. Sometimes ignorance seems like the easier route. If I pretend like it’s not an issue, it’ll just go away. Well, that only works until it all comes crashing down and the problem surfaces and rears its ugly head. Do not avoid the problem. Don’t avoid this issue. It is real. It is prevalent. It is bad. Recognize the seriousness of it and get the conversations rolling, even if it’s really really really weird and awkward to do so.

2) DO YOUR RESEARCH

Be brave and be smart by getting educated. There are websites, blogs, books, recovery programs of all kinds that offer education and support. Even if you don’t think sexual addiction would be in your stack of cards, learn about the real threat it is and can be to not only your marriage, but your family, and even possibly your own health.

New research is saying that first exposure to pornography is happening between 8-11 years old. Hard core porn. So yes, the man you are dating, engaged to, or are married to has seen it. How much? How often? I can’t tell you…. but he has most likely seen it. Which is why NOW is the time to figure out how often, if it has become something he can no longer control, and how it will affect your relationship moving forward.

3) ASK THE HARD QUESTIONS

I never liked asking the questions when I was back in the dating world as a single mom, but I made myself do it. On a second date, over pizza and root beer, I asked one fellow this question:

“WHEN was the last time you looked at pornography? And WHEN was the last time you looked before that?”
He about choked and he looked at me like I was crazy. I didn’t care. Because it’s not a matter of IF anymore, it’s WHEN!

I know it’s very blunt and I know it can be scary, but ask the hard questions! Even if people think you are crazy, ask anyway.

4) LEARN TO DISCERN

Once you’ve asked the questions, instead of only listening to the words in his answer, listen to your gut.
I know this can prove to be really difficult because you’re so in-love (and understandably so! This is the best time of your life- I get it!), but try your very hardest to listen to what your gut is telling you.

Now, if you’re anything like I was 10 years ago, my gut felt great because I didn’t know the first thing about pornography addiction. I had not the slightest clue as to what I should be looking for. And if someone would have showed me this guide then, I’m not sure I would’ve paid a lick of attention to it. I didn’t give this sexual addiction mumbo jumbo two seconds of thought. As far as I was concerned, it was never going to infiltrate my life.

Please listen to me…. don’t be ignorant and naive like I was! Learn from those who have traveled before you and have learned the hard way.

So, back to discerning…. how do you do this when you’re madly in love and not really sure what you’re looking for?

Trust what you feel in his presence.

Do his words feel too good to be true? Like to the point that it feels almost impossible for it to be this great? Does he answer every question about sex, masturbation, pornography with a “never”? Does he tell you everything you want to hear? Has it never ever ever been a temptation for him?

I would view these types of responses as red flags. My gut screams that this is not accurate. Is it possible that he’s never viewed porn or masturbated in his life? Seth and every other man I know would say absolutely not and he is lying. While it’s not really fair to make general blanket statements, is it possible there are some who never have? I suppose so. Is it probable in this day and age? I’d go ahead and say no. It’s possible, not probable. That’s the way I see it.

On the flip side, does he get defensive and weird when you ask the difficult questions about pornography and masturbation? Does he shy away from talking about it? How does he respond to your genuine concerns about the issue? Does he react defensively and say “I cannot believe that you don’t trust me!” Does he blame you? Does he call you crazy, controlling, or prudish for asking these types of questions?

When it’s not all butterflies in your belly and make-out sessions on the couch, how does he respond to the not so pleasant parts of life? Discern how you feel. Watch closely to see his reaction. I’ve found that you can learn a lot about someone by how they react. In my very humble opinion, if a man is being honest and open and is non-defensive when being asked these challenging questions, it usually means that he is somewhat sexually healthy. To what level? I could not tell you. But non-defensiveness and a willingness to actually engage in the hard conversations is a great starting point and a positive sign.

5) PROCESS HIS ANSWERS BUT DON’T FREAK OUT!

However he responds to your questions, be calm. Even if you are burning inside, try listen to what he says before you just blow up, react and accuse. Let him answer the questions as honestly as he can, as they are hard for him too.

If he responds with:

a) “I’ve never done it!”

This concerns me. “Never” is typically a very unrealistic response in this day and age. Perfection does not exist.

If he responds with:

b) “I look at it a few times a month maybe, but don’t worry… I’ve got it under control. It’s not a problem.”

This concerns me because everyone’s definition of “frequent” and “problem” is different.

If he responds with:

c) “I’ve struggled with it before or I’m struggling with it now”

This concerns me for obvious reasons: addictions have the potential to cause harm.

Are you seeing a pattern here? Every response is concerning to me… call me paranoid, call me Debbie Downer, I don’t care. It is all concerning at this point. So, what do you do? Don’t freak out. Don’t break up on the spot. Don’t try to play therapist.

6) DON’T TRY TO FIX IT YOURSELF- SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP!

Regardless of what the answers are, and regardless of how much you trust, love, or think the world of him, I would schedule at least one appointment with a sexual addiction specialist and I would go, together. YES! I am being 100% dead serious. When you’ve seen the thousands of tears I have seen, when you’ve heard the hundreds of seriously sad stories from women just like me and just like you, and when you’ve witnessed dozens of family’s falling apart because of sexual addiction, it is SERIOUS. This is not a game. This is not a joke. This is your life.

By booking an appointment with an in-tuned therapist, they will be able to offer support to you both. And depending on how severe the usage is, the therapist will help you navigate moving forward. And perhaps if you discover that it’s not a serious issue for the time being, there is no harm whatsoever in addressing the very threatening problem. This, alone, will be worth the 60 minutes of your time and the $100 it will cost you. I cannot reiterate the importance of this enough.

7) THOUGHTFULLY (AND WITH HUMILITY) STUDY THE REALISTIC SITUATION

Acknowledge what exactly it is you are dealing with.

Is this a problem now?

Given the past, could this be a problem in the future?

If addiction is admitted, ask yourself if this something you want to take on?

“Do I understand what marrying an addict really means?”

Now I want to tread on this very carefully because this is by no means an attempt to attack people who struggle with addiction. I know such people and many of them are really smart, wonderful, caring, loving, and successful people. In fact, a few of my most cherished friends have struggled or currently struggle with addiction (both men and women). To me, it’s not the person with the addiction that’s the threat. It’s the addictive behaviors that accompany addiction because addiction, no matter what type, is HARD. And the crappiest part of addiction is that it hurts so many more people than just the addict.

So, again, ask yourself: “Is this something I want to knowingly marry in to?”

If after you’ve very thoughtfully considered all of the above and your answer is YES, promise me that you’ll go back to the therapist. Seek help, seek recovery and gather as many of the tools as you can and get started on it now. Therpay can help you cope with the feelings you’re already experiencing about the frequency of his pornography use, and they will also help you to understand and navigate through what a marriage with this type of addiction will entail. The other crucial part of this is ensuring that your partner continues to go back too, as a therapist will guide what recovery/sobriety will look like for him.

Don’t pretend that it won’t or can’t get worse. I promise you, it can. It does. It happened to me. It happened to hundreds of women that I know personally. Some addictions only go as far as occasional online usage. Some addictions get into more interactive stuff: cyber sex, chatting, dating, etc. And some addictions turn into physical infidelity: affairs, sexual encounters, prostitutes, strip clubs, STD’s. Yes, it happens; to the best of women and men. It happens all the time. It is happening right now. And it usually always always always starts with pornography addiction.

It is not an easy path, no matter how severe or not the addiction is… it ALL hurts the same, that I know to be true.

It doesn’t mean that it can’t work, or that there isn’t healing, recovery, and happiness. Many of my friends have stayed in their marriages. They are making it work. Their husbands are in working recovery. There is such profound love and honor in that. But if you were to ask any one of them on any given day if it’s easy, I am most certain they would all tell you that it is one of the hardest things they’ve ever had to do. Unexplainably hard.

On the other end of the spectrum, if after you’ve very thoughtfully considered all of the above and your answer is NO, you do not want to knowingly marry in to addiction, please know that it is okay. You are not a failure, nor does this mean that you are unforgiving or unwilling to love. Too often we think that we can save people. Or heal people. Or change people. This is erred-thinking. People have to want to change themselves and we are only responsible for our own choices.

Being sexier won’t make a sexual addiction go away.

Having sex every single day for the rest of your life won’t make a sexual addiction go away.

Avoiding the problem won’t make a sexual addiction go away.

As weird as it sounds, sexual addiction isn’t about sex. It’s about so much more and it takes a lot of time, energy and therapy to get to the root of the problem and work real recovery. You are not responsible to fix him, you CAN’T fix him and you are not a loser for walking away.

So, if you decide not to marry someone because of addiction, promise me that you will also go back to individual therapy. I cannot tell you how many women I know who have been traumatized just in the dating world. It’s a big deal, don’t ever minimize it. Get the proper help you will need to heal yourself.

7) REMEMBER YOUR WORTH

In this process, along with the many negative emotions that comes with sexual addiction, one that seems to almost always happen to the woman is a loss of self love and confidence. I think that just might be the most painful part of it all- how worthless we feel. But after 4 years of the most painfully beautiful experience, I’ve realized that it has nothing to do with me; it never did and it never will. I cannot control the choices anyone else will make but what I CAN CONTROL are my OWN choices- one of those being how I see myself, how I love myself, and how I care for my own wellbeing.

No matter what happens in your life, there is hope and you can rise above. Don’t lose hope if you’re not married right away; take your time and be selective. Don’t lose hope if your fiancé admits to addiction; feel blessed that he was willing to admit it to you beforehand so that you can reassess the situation and go in EYES WIDE OPEN. Don’t lose hope if you’re a newly wed and you’ve just discovered secrets; yes, it stinks, but there is help for you both and there is so much hope.

I’ve seen women successfully fight for their relationships/marriages and it’s amazing, I’ve seen women who have fought so hard there is no other choice but to leave, I’ve seen women who wanted to fight but have been left. No matter who they are, or what the outcome is, each of these women are all so resilient, courageous and absolutely beautiful. They are the most beautiful women on earth, I think.

If I can sum it all up, I’d ask that you press forward in this sexually charged world we live in with awareness, wisdom, and confidence. By following these simple tips, you’ll be far ahead of where I was when I was your age. It’s so important to understand how real and destructive sexual addiction is and hopefully this will give you some basic tools that will help you journey down this scary path you never thought you’d have to address. Listen to the women who have blazed the trail before you- because we were young like you once and for most of us, we never thought this would be our reality.

We are here to help you… and hopefully make it a little bit easier…

You can do hard things. Never forget that.

All my love,

Jacy

Recovery myths dispelled

Posted at November 18th, 2013
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: healing pornography addiction - Pornography Addiction - Pornography treatment - sexual addiction - St George Utah pornography addiction - St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
Categories: Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
1 Comment »

Myths Dispelled
by Shay
awiferedeemed.blogspot.com

On January 2, 2013, a four hour conversation with my husband changed my life forever. I knew within the first 10 minutes that our marriage hung by a thread and whether or not we made it, was primarily up to him. That was the night that it became clear that my husband’s “porn problem” was actually an addiction.

For us, the diagnosis of addiction also brought us direction and resources. For the first time in our 16 years of marriage, we realized that the years of madness and Insanity actually showed cycles and patterns. In the months that followed, we isolated ourselves in a world of recovery and spent every spare second of our days reading books, blogs and forums. We found therapists, 12 step groups and group therapies. We learned that this addiction has very little to do with pornography and everything to do with Internalized Shame. As my husband dove into his recovery, I dove into my own. I learned that the wife of a pornography or sex addict, experiences Betrayal Trauma. Betrayal Trauma is often misdiagnosed as Codependency. It causes the wife to feel crazy, insane and out of control. The emotions and symptoms are very similar to PTSD. The wife of a pornography addict usually feels with the same intensity triggers, fears and trauma, as does a soldier returning home from war.

I realized early on that recovering from this deep and intense trauma was not something I could do alone. I needed help. I began to reach out. I started with a friend. Then I turned to my sister. Next was my dad and after that was a woman from one of my support groups. One by one I built my network of support, always be prayerful and cautious about who could be trusted. Today my network is extensive and each one plays a vital role in helping me receive what I need to recover.

As I have reached out and depended on the people around me who love me for support, I have come to understand that just as I needed information and education about the nature and effects of this addiction so do they. The people around me love me and hurt when they see me hurting, but sometimes because they do not understand the delicate nature of the circumstances, the advice they offer can be damaging, harmful and even traumatizing. Well intentioned clergy, therapists, family and friends, in an effort to help, using their best, but uneducated judgment offered advice that was not in the best interest of my recovery or my husband’s.

Recently, I received some of this bad advice. Due to the nature of the source and circumstances, it was intensely traumatizing to me. It sent me into a downward spiral that I had to fight tooth and nail to climb out of. As I pulled myself out of the Insanity that held me captive, I turned to my support. As a result of my recovery efforts, my network of other recovering spouses (often termed WoPAs for Wives of Porn Addicts) has become extensive. Their examples of similar experiences were validating to me, yet at the same time utterly shocking. I came to realize after surveying these brave women, that we are sometimes taught and advised on the same myths. Over and over this incorrect and often traumatizing advice was given to us as factual. You can paint a donkey and present it as a zebra, but it will in fact, always be a donkey.

I would like to dispel some of the most commonly advised myths that are given when sexual/pornography addiction is present.

1. You should protect your wife/yourself from the more damaging details and effects of the addiction.

“I’m not sure that she needs to know all of the serious details, it would just hurt her.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t tell her everything.”

“You don’t really want to know all of the details. It would be too painful.”

Often times the wife is treated with kid gloves and given the impression that she is weak and fragile. As if too much information may be irreparably damaging to her. Maybe a wife shouldn’t know every detail, but that is her place to decide that. Not her clergy, not her family or friends and it is certainly not her husband’s decision. No one knows her strength and capability better than she does. Listen to the advice you are given, feel it out in your heart and make the choice that is best for you. When deciding how much information you need, one therapist recommended asking yourself, “How would knowing this information help me heal?” And if you choose to leave out details or receive less information, which many women do, that does not make you weak or fragile, it makes you self aware. Self awareness is strength.

2. The spouse’s job is to be forgiving and be a support to her husband.

“You need to put this behind you.”

“It is ideal for the wife to be the husband’s main support person.”

“You need to forgive and forget.”

The spouse’s job is to heal from the trauma inflicted upon her first and foremost. She should never at any time sacrifice her own recovery for the recovery of her husband. She should not be pushed or pressured into forgiving him too quickly but rather should be open to allowing it to happen as she turns to the Lord to heal her. Forgiveness is a gift she gives to herself, not her husband and should sometimes be reserved for after some healing has taken place. There is no ideal or main way to heal, there is only the right way for you. You should never feel pressured to do anything that doesn’t feel right to you. If you do not feel like it is in the best interest of your healing to be your husband’s main support person, and many women feel it is not in their best interest, then that is the right answer for you and not a reflection of your lack of recovery. It is a reflection in the strength of your self awareness.

3. You need to keep the secret.

“You shouldn’t tell your friend/clergy/family member. That would betray your husband’s confidence.”

“It’s his secret, you don’t have the right to share it.”

“Telling people would shame the family.”

“We keep these things ‘in house’”.

When your husband brought addiction into your marriage, he made it your secret too. And that secret brought pain and trauma into your life. Trauma that can be healed from. But, it is a burden so intense and deep that it is usually unmanageable when tried to handle alone. We don’t have to suffer in silence and isolation. There are forums and support groups, blogs and group therapies filled with women who are supporting each other as they heal from this trial. Reach out and allow others to support you and help you heal. My life is filled with strong, loving, capable people who love me and I would be foolish and judgmental to think that they can’t be trusted with this trial in my life. That doesn’t mean that I should tell everyone I meet but it does mean that the Lord will place the people in my path that can be the most support to me and He will tell me who they are if I but ask Him. A safe person is non judgmental, respectful and won’t betray your trust. Ask the Lord who is safe for you.

4. Your response to his addiction is an over reaction.

“All guys do this.”

“Why are you so upset about this?”

“Its just porn (or masturbation or news websites). It only happens every few months.”

“You are over reacting.”

It doesn’t matter if it was once every few years or every day, the effect is the same- Deep Trauma. Diagnosable Trauma. The pain is so intense because when you chose to marry, you were on even playing fields, but the moment he chose to allow addiction into your life and marriage and hide it from you, you lost that even playing field. He had the upper hand and he hid that upper hand from you. There is nothing that you can do to even the playing fields. Nothing. It is all up to him and whether or not he chooses recovery and that reality is terrifying. It is traumatizing. So, the month you spent on the bathroom floor is normal. The showers you took, fully dressed, so your kids wouldn’t hear you cry? Normal. The time you freaked out in the grocery store and had a panic attack because the other women in the aisle was showing major cleavage? Normal. Your inability to watch regular TV without crying? Normal. Obsessively checking computer histories? Normal. Crying through church? Normal. It is all normal and a result of your Betrayal Trauma. It is what you actually feel and that is not an over reaction. One therapist said, “You are not crazy, you were betrayed. Your feelings are valid.”

5. Sex will solve the “problem”.

“You need to have more/better/more intimate sex with your husband so that he doesn’t need to look at porn.”

This was the most commonly advised myth by far. We are physiologically designed to crave a loving, emotionally, intimate connection but an addict in his addiction doesn’t crave this kind of love or true connection, he craves lust. Advising a wife of a pornography/sex addict to have more sex with their spouse to try to help with his addiction is like advising the wife of an alcoholic to drink more wine with her husband to help him get better.

Some think that porn addictions will just stop with marriage and the ability to have sex, but this is also a myth. Having a pornography addiction has absolutely nothing to do with the frequency or spiciness of sex. More/better lingerie or creativity in the bedroom won’t work. This addiction will never be solved with lust filled sex, and unfortunately, lust-driven sex is usually all the addict knows.

Sexual addiction is an emotional and intimate connection disorder and throwing more UNHEALTHY sex at it won’t solve anything. Lust is only about physical appetite, where love/true marital intimacy is a whole-self (mental, emotional, spiritual, physical) connection. The addict has to start back at the beginning and learn how to have true connection and emotional intimacy, and then physical intimacy when both partners feel things are healthy and safe.

Telling the wife to have more/better/spicier sex will only put the blame and responsibility on her, which will cause deeper trauma. The wife didn’t cause this problem and she can’t fix it.

If any of these myths sound familiar to you and cause you to recognize that addiction is in your life, I plead with you to reach out. If you have been given advice that feels off to you, trust yourself. There is a huge community of women that are healing by learning from and leaning on each other. You are not alone. You are SO NOT ALONE. Come and be a part of us and heal.

And if you are placed in a position where you are the support person to such a tender heart, before you offer advice, please do some research. Pornography addiction is a plague that is sweeping the globe and ripping the hearts and souls out of our marriages and families. It is unlike anything we have ever seen and will never be solved or fixed by the ways of the world. Help us heal by learning about the true nature of this addiction and the rippling effects that is causes. Together we can overcome this. Together we are strong.

To read more from Shay go to awiferedeemed.blogspot.com

Six people who don’t need to hear your shame story

Posted at November 8th, 2013
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: Pornography treatment - sexual addiction - St George Utah pornography addiction - St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
Categories: Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
No Comments »

While I’m not a huge fan of Oprah, I do think Brene Brown has some points worth considering. She does a great job explaining what kinds of people with whom we should share our “shame story.” We all have shame and we have all done things we are terrified to share with others (however big or small). I agree with Brene that we should be careful who we tell. As she has said previously, telling the wrong person can turn them into a piece of flying debris in our already swirling tornado. It’s critical that men and women in recovery talk openly with safe people about their struggles. It’s even more critical that they carefully choose who they tell. Recovery is hard enough when you have good support. Trying to recovery while managing the poor boundaries of others is even harder.

When something shameful happens in your life, shame and vulnerability researcher Dr. Brené Brown says, there are six types of people with whom you shouldn’t share the story. Watch to find out who they are. Plus, hear why she says everyone needs just one “move-the-body friend.”

Real recovery from pornography and sexual addiction

Posted at October 24th, 2013
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: healing pornography addiction - Pornography Addiction - Pornography treatment - St George Utah pornography addiction - St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
Categories: Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
No Comments »

Geoff Steurer, founding director of LifeStar of St. George, Utah, talks about why recovery needs to be REAL and involve REAL people, REAL answers, and REAL tools.