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Posts Tagged ‘St George Utah pornography addiction’

Protecting Children and Families Conference - September 19th, 2015

Posted at September 18th, 2015
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - -
Categories: In the news/media, Pornography Addiction, Protecting Children from Pornography, Protecting Families from Pornography, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
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ucapWe are excited to be sponsors of the Utah Coalition Against Pornography (UCAP) conference “Protecting Children and Families” to be held at the St. George, Utah Dixie Center on Saturday, September 19th, 2015 from 8am-2pm.

Geoff Steurer, conference chair for the conference, and Jeff Ford, a board member for UCAP, started this conference in 2010 with the hope to educate community members about the dangers of pornography and provide practical tools and support to parents and clergy.

This is the third conference since 2010 and it’s expected to be the largest, with hundred expected to attend. There will be keynote addresses from Beauty Redefined and Daniel Weiss. Workshops will be presented by local therapists Geoff Steurer, Jeff Ford, and Amy Cluff. Other presenters include author of “Good Pictures, Bad Pictures” Kristen Jenson, a panel of local clergy, and a panel of women impacted by betrayal trauma.

Pre-registration closes Friday, September 18th, so purchase tickets now at a discounted price. This conference is for anyone who wants to be better educated to protect children and families from the damage caused by pornography and other harmful media.

Check out the excellent media coverage for this conference:

UCAP Conference to address “The silent addiction” from KCSG.com

 

St. George News - “Family Conference Offers Tools and Resources to Fight Pornography”

When the world crumbles

Posted at January 13th, 2015
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - - - - - - - -
Categories: Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
1 Comment »

originalWhen the World Crumbles
by Jill Call, LMFT

Trauma shakes the very foundation on which you’ve built your life. Trauma is defined as a life-threatening event and, with betrayal trauma, it threatens the life you’ve built together. Your world can start to crumble when suddenly you discover your partner isn’t someone you know anymore.

As women, we mostly define ourselves in relation to others. “I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a sister. I am a friend.” Because we define ourselves by our relationships with others, betrayal trauma can have life-altering effects.

For example, you might think to yourself, “If my partner isn’t who I thought he was, then the life we’ve built together may not be real, and what about me is true anymore?” Or perhaps this one, “I don’t know him anymore. I don’t know myself anymore. And I don’t know my life anymore.” You can see the life-changing implications of such thoughts.

Trauma causes a myriad of symptoms. If your life has been threatened by betrayal trauma, you may experience fear, racing heart, anxiety, hyper vigilance, depression, loss of appetite, increase in appetite, apathy, low tolerance threshold, anger, sadness, impatience, losing your temper, crying, shaking, and other effects. You may begin to examine your life and fear that anything familiar cannot be trusted. That is one of the effects of betrayal trauma. It’s an earthquake that shakes the very foundation of the life you’ve built and trusted.

When betrayal trauma shakes the foundation of your life you may start to wonder if everything you’ve built has been right. You may start to question or even reject parts of your life that have always been your solid ground. This starts to create a crisis of belief and further shakes your foundation. The lyrics to a song by Parachute describe this well, “and I lost my faith, in my darkest day.”

Your ability to stand on solid ground, and have a place from which to be steadfast, strong and stable is crucial to recovery. In LifeStar we talk about “resourcing” or “getting grounded.” This refers to the recovery skill of creating stability, peace, and emotional safety for yourself. This can be done by setting boundaries, by intentional self-care, or by mindfulness meditation. There are so many ways to find your center and put you back on solid ground. When you’ve lost yourself in this crumbling world of betrayal trauma, finding your solid ground is essential to your recovery.

I recently took a trip to visit the Hoover Dam, which is on the border between Arizona and Nevada. This massive structure was built in the 1930’s with over 5 million barrels of concrete (4.5 million cubic yards). Just to give you some perspective: that’s enough concrete to pave a 2-lane highway from Seattle, WA to Miami, FL. The engineers estimated it would take nearly 80 years for all of that concrete to cure completely. To me, it’s instructive that although the foundation for the Hoover Dam is solid and strong, it has been curing and becoming stronger over the last 80 years.

Establishing your solid ground in the midst of a crumbling world takes work, and sometimes a shift in perspective. When standing on the Hoover Dam marveling at it’s massive structure, it’s easy to become sidetracked and miss the whole purpose of the dam.

It was built to manage and harness the power of the Colorado River. Before the dam, the river would flood and dry up on its own unpredictable timetable. The towns along the river depended on it for their very life, and yet it could wreak havoc to their lives through torrential flood or dried up dirt. The river caused trauma to the lives of those who so desperately depended on it. The dam created safety by forming a reservoir.

Create your solid ground and your safety. Tend to your foundation. Recognize that not all the familiar parts of your life that you’ve counted on throughout the years have betrayed you. Turn around and see the reservoir of life you have created. What is in your reservoir? Is it strength? Hope? Good friends? Kindness? Faith? Trauma may have shaken your foundation but you are finding your solid ground. It is curing and becoming stronger and stronger. And you have a reservoir of life from which to draw your own peace, stability, and emotional safety.

Putting your plan of action to use

Posted at April 18th, 2014
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - - - -
Categories: Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
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images (5)by Jon Worlton, LCSW
LifeStar of St. George, UT

The creation of and commitment to a written plan of action is a critical component of the recovery process. Early in Phase II we ask each life star participant to take the time to think through activities and behaviors that are important to them, and that nurture their growth and development in the five important areas in each of our lives: our physical, emotional, spiritual, relational & social, and intellectual selves. Todd Olsen and Dan Gray point out in the Tool Box pamphlet that the Action Plan is a tool to help implement our goals in these areas in a “regular and organized daily program.” They also point out that, “Eventually, this routine will become a healthy flow, and will replace your old self-destructive behaviors.”

The most common mistake I see with the Action Plan is that we create a wonderful written plan, share it with a therapist, group, and / or loved one, check it off of the list of assignments to be done in recovery, and then file it in a notebook rarely to be looked at again. To avoid that common mistake, I suggest developing the following practices.

First, in the beginning find time to review this plan on a daily basis. As you develop the habit of thinking about and intentionally organizing your days and weeks around your most important values, you may move from a daily review to a weekly review. I find Sunday’s to be a good time for this kind of review. During these daily or weekly reviews ask yourself, “Where in my schedule will these activities happen?” Put them in your calendar and then stay committed to your plan.

Second, regulary evaluate the effectiveness of your Action Plan. During the first three months of your recovery you may do this on a monthly basis and then, as you get your action plan “dialed in” to those activities that will be most supportive of good recovery, move to a quarterly review. In other words, your Action Plan needs to grow and develop as you learn new things about yourself, your addiction, and the healing process. As you review your action plan you will want to ask yourself some of the following questions:
Have I been following my plans? Why or Why Not?
Are the activities I committed myself to strengthening and nurturing my recovery like I thought they would?
Are these activities helping me stay connected to the important people in my life?
Are my plans helping me live true to my most important values?
Am I having some fun and recreation?
Have some of the activities lost their effectiveness?
Do I need to change up my routine?
Are there new bottom lines I need to add?
Third, beware of shame. It is not uncommon for group members to overcommit themselves in their first couple of attempts at creating their action plan. When they fail to implement the plan perfectly they experience shame and rather than adjusting the plan to fit the reality of their lives they hide. Shame can keep you from honestly evaluating your commitments and the reasons you failed to meet them. Some times we fail because we didn’t prioritize our commitments and we need to make changes in our lifestyle. Sometimes we fail because we were trying to be superman in recovery. Trying to be perfect or “shiney” in recovery is a manifestation of the old addict self. Our plans should challenge us, but they should not overwhelm us. When you fail to follow through with your action plan, be accountable with a group member, therapist, friend, or sponsor, and ask for feedback.

It is now the middle of April. Spring is upon us, the temperatures in Southern Utah are wonderful, and Easter is around the corner. There is much to remind us of fresh starts, a new beginning, and restorations. Of course this also means that the first quarter of 2014 has come to a close. I find that taking time on a regular basis to take a step back from our busy and hectic lives to evaluate the progress we have made over the past 90 days is a critical part of recovery. This evaluation should naturally lead to plans and commitments that need to be a part of our recovery for the next 90 days. A phase II client recently shared this advise in group: “A slip does not begin with the presence of slip behaviors, it begins with the absence of recovery behaviors.”

Why your critics aren’t the ones who count

Posted at March 12th, 2014
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - - - - -
Categories: Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
2 Comments »

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Brene Brown has taught powerful truths about vulnerability and shame. In this presentation, she takes her message further by specifically addressing how to handle those who might criticize our efforts to create something new. People in recovery, both men and women, often hold back from taking risks to try new behaviors, such as sharing their feelings, interacting differently with loved ones, and other new behaviors.

Letting go of what is not ours

Posted at March 11th, 2014
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - - - - - - - -
Categories: Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
1 Comment »

worried-woman-couple-11091902by Jill Call, MS, LMFT
LifeStar of St. George, Utah

It’s been said that worry is like a rocking chair, it will give you something to do but doesn’t get you anywhere. Worrying, obsessing and controlling are illusions. They’re just tricks that we play on ourselves. We trick ourselves into thinking that by worrying, obsessing, and controlling we’re doing something to solve the problem. We’re tricking ourselves into using our time and energy in non-productive ways. Spouses of pornography addicts are at high risk for buying into the illusion of control and losing time and energy to worry and obsessing.

We need to let go of our worry and attempts at control.

Let’s consider a common example that spouses of pornography addicts experience. Cindy is afraid of her husband having a slip. She’s afraid of what that would mean for his recovery, and how devastated she would feel. In fact, she’s so afraid of this that she goes out of her way to make sure he doesn’t slip. She rarely lets him out of her sight, and tries to be with him during his every waking move. Even at night, if he shifts in his sleep, she’s awake and making sure that he’s still asleep. She regulates his computer usage, his cell phone usage, and his time in the bathroom. She even starts sneaking into a room where he’s alone to “catch” him in the act. She’s giving herself an ulcer.

Can you relate to her fear? Maybe she’s afraid that he won’t manage his behavior as well as her. Perhaps she’s afraid of how much it will hurt to sit back and let him manage it and risk making mistakes trying to figure it out. Her actions are damaging her and sending a message to her husband that she doesn’t believe he can handle himself..

The truth is: she will never be able to prevent him from choosing his behavior. He will always have that ability, despite her illusion of control. The perceived control she takes to manage his behavior is an illusion. The truth is it’s not hers to worry about, obsess over, or try to control.

Also, how much is her husband accountable for his behavior in this scenario? How much is he learning about his own triggers, or pain, or self-management? His wife is stepping into his realm of learning and taking away all the important lessons. Sadly, her good intentions to help in recovery actually prevent him from learning the lessons that will enable him to stay in solid recovery.

And finally, how much agony is this poor woman in? There’s so much fear and worry. Unfortunately, she’s unwittingly added agony to this by trying to control what is not hers to control.

We must learn to let go of what is not ours.

Letting go of worry and your attempts at managing your spouse doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It means you’re learning how to love and care without making yourself sick with worry. If you allow your partner to manage his own behaviors and choices, you’re giving back to him his responsibility and accountability so he can grow. By doing this, you’re allowing your partner to take accountability for his actions and for the consequences that follow. You’re also allowing him to learn to connect to you instead of you doing everything possible to prevent him from disconnecting from you and the relationship by acting out.

Since you’re connected, the consequences of your partner’s actions will affect you. The woman in the scenario above was managing her husband’s behavior because the fear of losing her connection to him and being alone overwhelms her. If he has a slip, it signals to her that he is moving away from her which will naturally trigger more fear, pain, and sadness. She wants to manage him as a way to protect herself from being alone. But for all her worry and attempts to control, if he slips, does it ultimately hurt her any less?

If you’re giving back accountability to your husband, he is also held more accountable for how his actions affect you. Worrying about how to protect yourself from the pain of his slip is like walking around with an umbrella waiting for it to rain. While it might “rain” frequently in your relationship, walking around with an umbrella open just waiting for the rain blocks out any blue sky that might be there.

Certainly you have a right to safety and shelter. So, if there’s rain, get your umbrella. If storm clouds are gathering, get your umbrella. But hovering sheltered under your umbrella all day and night from fear of the rain robs you of the chance to have peace during good weather.

Here are a few suggestions to help you give accountability back to your husband:

  1. Acknowledge to him that you recognize how afraid you’ve been that he won’t do his own recovery work and tell him you’re going to work on allowing him to do his own work.
  2. Open up to your support system and your group that you’re going to be accountable for the times when you become fearful and begin to take over your husband’s recovery efforts.
  3. Try sharing the fear underneath the controlling behaviors so you can let your husband and your support system know how important it is for you to feel safe and connected.

There is peace and assurance and proper accountability in letting your partner own what is his. You will free yourself from the burden of doing all of the work to guarantee that you won’t lose your connection to your partner. Letting go of what is not yours will bring you more peace and make it easier to believe your partner’s own efforts at connecting with you.

 

 

The Proper Use of Boundaries - Creating Space for Healing and Change

Posted at February 6th, 2014
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - - -
Categories: Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
1 Comment »
couple-fightingby Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder and Director, Affair Recovery

If someone steps on my foot I’ll probably say “ouch”. If they do it time after time I will eventually tell them to stop because they’re hurting me. The process of telling them to stop is where a boundary is set. I’m telling them their actions are hurting me and they need to stop stepping on my foot. I may even tell them what I’m going to do to avoid being stepped on, if they don’t stop.

At that point I’ve set the “don’t step on my foot boundary.” Notice, my actions aren’t aimed at changing them, but rather in protecting my foot, as well as our relationship. The other person will ultimately have to decide whether or not they’re going to alter their behavior, but at least I’ve warned them and I know what I’m going to do in order to protect myself.

Relationships are no different. At times our mate “steps on our foot” and hurts us. We have several ways we can respond:

1. We can ignore it and just hope it doesn’t happen again. (this may be okay if it’s a first offense, but if there’s a repetitive pattern more may need to be done before you grow resentful or worse, empower their behavior).

2. We can say “ouch” and hope our mate notices our pain and makes efforts not to do it again.

3. We can withdraw and make sure they don’t ever have an opportunity to step on us again.

4. We can stomp on their foot so they’ll know what it feels like and will be more careful next time.

5. We can be assertive and set a boundary, letting them know that stepping on our foot is not OK.

6. After setting the boundary we could also let them know what we’re going to do to protect ourselves from being stepped on.

Infidelity is certainly a more extreme pain than getting one’s foot stepped on, but the potential response patterns are the same. Some are helpful and others aren’t. The goal for boundaries is self-protection and relationship regulation. Within a relationship, the absence of a feedback mechanism to inform our mate of our wounds limits our ability as a couple to accommodate one another. Healthy couples communicate what they appreciate about their mate, what their mate is doing that’s wounding them and they take responsibility for their hurtful actions by making amends for having wounded them. Without these three forms of communication it’s difficult to know if we really matter to our mate. Do they really care? Are they going to be there when we cry out for them?

Boundaries help define the expectations of our relationship. There are boundaries that define our space as a couple. These boundaries help protect our relationship. They define monogamy for our marriage and our rules of engagement. If others cross these boundaries we feel they are interfering with our lives. If one of the partners crosses that boundary, they betray the agreement they have with their mate.

We often mistakenly believe the purpose of boundaries is behavior modification, but this is not true. Boundaries are for self-protection and the protection of the relationship as a whole. Hopefully, when the boundaries are bumped, out of respect, concern and heartfelt empathy for us, the person violating the boundary will make amends and make it a point to honor our boundaries. If they refuse to honor our boundaries, we’ll need to do what is necessary to enforce them.

While boundaries are essential for defining how we’re to live and interact with one another, they are ineffective when it comes to changing our mate. All too often I see the wounded mate establishing consequences to their boundaries in hopes that their mate’s fear of the consequence will get them to stop the destructive behaviors or patterns. While that fear may serve as a short term deterrent, it won’t work as a long term solution.

The pain resulting from consequences suffered as the result of boundary violations serve only as short-term deterrents to destructive behavior. They are effective only as long as the pain remains or the fear of the consequence is in place, but once those fears are gone the motivation for change decreases. The new behaviors will remain only as long as the memory of that pain is fresh or they still care whether or not they lose what they have. But, when the new behaviors no longer provide the happiness they seek, it won’t be long until the allure of returning to old behaviors outweighs the benefits of the new behaviors.

I’m not saying that things can’t change, but change that is externally imposed is short term, at best. True change comes from inside out. It’s about a change of heart, not a change of behavior. It comes because we care and we’re willing to do whatever is necessary to be different. Do not misunderstand, consequences must be set to protect yourself, and hopefully those consequences will serve as an impetus to begin the stages of long term transformation.

Marriage is hard. There is no way two people can negotiate a life together and not step on each other’s toes. There has to be give and take and the ability to communicate when our mate is hurting us. Hopefully, our mate responds and makes a sincere effort to stop hurting us. Healthy marriages are a process of negotiation and compromise where, because of our love, we try to act in our mate’s best interest. Research shows that a third of all marital problems are unsolvable. What happy couples have that others don’t is an ability to peacefully live and work around our perpetual problems. But for that to occur there has to be a genuine concern for our mate and a willingness, to forgo our happiness for theirs.

The Three Stages of Boundaries:
If your mate continues to seek their own pleasure at the expense of the relationship and your well-being, boundaries need to be established, or reinforced. But, don’t forget that behavior doesn’t always equal motive. From time to time, we all fail and act in ways that are contrary to how we want to be, which is why I suggest the following progression when implementing boundaries.

The FIRST stage is a request where you clearly communicate how their actions are hurting you and ask them to stop. Don’t assume they are intentionally committing the offense. Explaining to them how their actions have hurt you and requesting that they not do it again gives them opportunity to show the condition of their heart. If they take responsibility and acknowledge that what they did was wrong, you’re off to a good start. If they are genuinely concerned over the fact that they’ve wounded you and are doing whatever they can to help you heal, then they’re acting in your best interest. If they’re upset with themselves for having hurt you and are seeking reconciliation, then it’s a fairly safe bet that this person values you and the relationship and will do their best to avoid hurting you in the future.

The SECOND stage is telling them to stop. If you’ve asked and they continue their hurtful behavior, you turn up the volume by telling them they’re hurting you and telling them to stop. The goal of the boundary is for your protection. They may or may not respect your boundary, but if you love them, then for love’s sake the boundary needs to be set. Love always acts in the best interest of the other person. Allowing them to act in a way that’s unloving isn’t loving to them. It’s not okay to enable someone to act in ways that are self-destructive or to treat others in ways that are destructive. Love compels us to act in the best interest of the other person.

Their response to your telling them to stop is the next litmus test of their heart’s condition. If there is no response, it’s time to go to stage three. If they are grieved over their continued failure and are attempting to address the problem, there’s hope. If they say they’ll stop, but aren’t grieved over the damage they’ve caused you, their heart may still be hard and they may be ambivalent about stopping the behavior. Ambivalence is a state where a person holds two diametrically opposed positions at the same time and it leaves them stuck, unable to choose one or the other. For this person there is a strong likelihood that they will once again violate the boundary.

The THIRD stage is demanding they stop and telling them what you’re going to do to protect yourself if they don’t. This is the stage of consequences, but notice the point of setting the boundary isn’t to change them, rather it’s for your protection. We don’t control how they’ll respond, but we do control how we’re going to respond if they don’t stop the destructive behaviors.

When enforcing boundaries it’s important to respond out of love. It’s not about vengeance, it’s not about controlling them, it is about telling them that it’s not okay to treat others the way they’re treating you. It’s communicating that because of your love and respect for them and your own self-respect, you will not allow them to keep acting this way.

They will have two choices: they will either chose to do what’s necessary to honor your boundaries or they will continue to act in their own selfish interest. If it’s the latter, you’ll have to follow through with the course of action you’ve chosen to keep yourself safe. This is not an attempt to get them to change, but hopefully the consequence will result in their re-evaluating the importance of the relationship versus their own happiness and at the very least, provide the opportunity for change or intervention to start the healing process from infidelity

Sobriety vs Recovery

Posted at January 16th, 2014
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - -
Categories: Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
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13 myths about pornography addiction

Posted at January 14th, 2014
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - - - - - - - -
Categories: Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
2 Comments »
by Brannon Patrick
LifeStar Lehi

2013-26673-28-300x2141. Sexual addiction shouldn’t be treated like a real addiction.

Compulsive pornography use has all the elements of an addiction. The rate and duration increase over time. People use it to numb out pain or medicate their emotions. It causes disconnection, denial and trauma in relationships.

2. If you’re active in church you’re less likely to have a problem with pornography.

That’s not the case at all. Utah’s population is more than 60 percent Latter-day Saint and it has the some of the highest pornography subscription rates in the country. I have several theories on that, one of which is that our culture is sadly shame-based. Shame is the driving force behind addiction.

3. When people get married, their pornography addictions will stop.

This isn’t true, because pornography addiction, which is a form of sexual addiction, isn’t about healthy sex. It’s not about an intimate relationship. Sex doesn’t fulfill the lustful hit a person gets from pornography. This misconception leads to other misconceptions as well, like partners of addicts believing they can have sex more to the control their spouse’s addiction.

4. Feeling enough shame about an addiction will cause someone to seek help.

Feeling shame will cause you to hide, to go into secrecy. You’re not going to be driven to confront a problem if you have a lot of shame. Guilt is slightly different, if it’s healthy guilt. Knowing you’ve done something wrong could lead someone to treatment, but most often, it’s just pain and tough consequences that bring people to my office.

5. If the addict wants it enough, God will always take away their addiction.

I believe that God can do this, but I don’t believe that God often does. Many people desperately want to overcome their addictions, but still continue to struggle. I don’t see many miracles in the sense of people being cured simply because they have an experience with God. What I do see is that whoever gets into recovery has to have God involved to progress. Addicts use the 12-Step program and learn how to surrender to a “higher power.” God is there to help them walk the path of overcoming their addiction.

6. Sobriety is recovery.

Being sober is not enough. Recovery is a lifestyle change. It’s being transparent. It’s overcoming shame. It’s being humble and honest. Sobriety is a byproduct of recovery.

7. Compulsive pornography use only affects the user.

It’s like any addiction. It’s an attachment disorder, meaning if affects relationships. In order for someone to be addicted, they need to be in some denial, which prevents them from being authentic. It causes trauma for parents, children, spouses and all kinds of family relationships. It definitely doesn’t just affect the user.

8. Spouses of addicts should just forgive and forget. It’s not that big a deal.

Spouses are truly traumatized by their partners’ addictions in ways they might not even realize. They need to learn how to cope. They need their own recovery plan and support system.

9. Every ecclesiastical leader will know how best to help a pornography addict.

You may get the help you need from your ecclesiastical leader alone. You may not. Often well-meaning ecclesiastical leaders are untrained in dealing with this issue and are subject to many of the same misconceptions as the general population. In an effort to be helpful, sometimes religious leaders say things that unknowingly undermine the spouse as well as the person struggling with the addiction.

10. Once you’ve stopped compulsively viewing pornography and repented, you’re in the clear. The problem won’t resurface.

This is a common misconception that leads to so many more, like “If I’ve repented, I don’t need to tell my future spouse about it because I’m done.” Addiction is a disease and it’s a lifelong disease. It’s not just a moral issue. Even after repentance, you still have to work your recovery to stay sober or you’ll fall back into addiction.

11. My teenager probably hasn’t been exposed to pornography.

If you believe that, you’re most likely in denial. It’s everywhere. Almost every teenager has been exposed to pornography in some way. Parents who don’t accept it are hurting their children. Children need them to talk openly about what they might feel, what they should do and whom they should talk to when it happens.

12. Discussing pornography with a prepubescent child is unnecessary.

Exposure to pornography is happening at younger and younger ages. If they’re old enough to view it, they’re old enough to talk about it. The game has changed. The talk needs to start sooner and happen more often. Either children will learn about sex and pornography from friends at school or from their parents. It’s better to get to them first before they learn elsewhere.

13. Viewing pornography is only a problem among men.

Pornography use is increasing in all forms. It’s not just a male problem. I hear that more and more women are involved with it, but I don’t see more and more women in my practice. My theory on that is that it’s even more culturally shameful for women who have a problem, so they’re even less likely than men to come out about it.

 

Parts

Posted at January 13th, 2014
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - - - - - - - - - - -
Categories: Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, General Sexual Addiction, Marriage, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, PTSD, self-care, Shame, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment, Trauma and pornography addiction
1 Comment »

Many years ago a car company, attempting to show the advantages of front wheel drive, aired a commercial showing an Alaskan dog sled team pushing its sled rather than pulling it. Of course, the sled moved nowhere and the dogs and sled were tangled in a chaotic mess. As a therapist specializing in the treatment of addiction and trauma, I frequently meet individuals being pushed from behind by their past experiences.

The problem with being pushed from behind is three-fold. First, they often don’t get where they want to go. Second, they often experience internal chaos, much like the sled and its dogs. Third, because the push is from behind, it is difficult to know what is pushing them. This then begs the question “what is pushing me and why does my life feel so chaotic?”

I would like to briefly answer this question and outline a framework that is helpful to me when working with clients stuck in addiction and trauma.

Within each of us are various parts of the self, or “ego”, that determine our experiences and how we manage them. These parts can be divided into 3 categories:

Exiles

Exiles are the parts of us that carry the burdens of the hurts and traumas we experience. The exile is developed at the time of the painful event and remains in the state in which it was developed. The exile is often young, powerless and vulnerable. The exile typically appears when triggered by external events, however, it may also show up in dreams or other random thoughts. When this occurs we often feel anger toward the individual(s) or event(s) that have caused the exile to surface. What makes the appearance of the exile painful is that it often leads to a reliving of the original traumatic experience.

Because the exile is young, our responses may feel very young. A trauma that occurs at the age of twelve will lock itself in the body’s memory system complete with information about how the body responded to it at that time. Despite advances in maturity on multiple levels, when an adult’s 12 year-old exile is triggered we may expect to see them respond in much the same way that a 12 year-old would respond. This may be confusing to an individual who would otherwise manage themselves differently and may even lead to further trauma depending on the severity of the reaction.

Manager

The manager has two primary objectives. First, it protects the rest of the system (you) from being overwhelmed by the burden carried within the wounded exile. Second, the manager seeks to protect the exile from being hurt again.

Managers are often critical of the self and use negativity to motivate or to keep threats at bay. They may seek to keep everything calm and reduce the threat of abandonment through subservience. Doing what other people want of them for the purpose of not rocking the boat or calling attention to their vulnerability. They may seek to remain busy to drown out the pain of perceived or real threats to their safety and security. An example of the Manager in action is seen in the fight or flight responses of primal panic that comes when people perceive threats to their primary attachments.

Managers are fierce warriors, doing what they believe to be right and good for the system. However, as they fight they often become overwhelmed by fatigue. When this occurs, there are two options available to the system: 1) allow the exile or, 2) enter into the third category, the Firefighter.

Firefighter

The Firefighter’s role is to extinguish the flames of pain within both the Exile and the Manager. This is done often through the use of impulsive, compulsive, and addictive behaviors, such as pornography use, sexual acting out, over or under eating, and over spending. The Firefighter’s intent is to extinguish flames but, instead, fans the flames and makes things worse.

As each of the parts seeks to discharge their individual responsibilities, chaos is created. The primary goal of therapy, therefore, is to create cooperation between these various parts and to allow the “self” (the core of the person that holds all of their values) to be in charge.

Each part has its place. They are not seeking to harm the other parts, only to keep the system in a state of calm and balance. What forms in this reactive state is an “intentions are pure but methods flawed” conundrum of epic proportions. Trauma and addiction recovery, therefore, must focus attention on all of these areas.

Allowing the Manager to relax requires feelings of safety, confidence, and respect in the core self and those called upon to help (partners, therapists, group members, etc.). Allowing the Exile to process its burden often times requires individual therapy and specific trauma processing interventions. The burdens carried by the Exiles can be diminished and lose their influence. Firefighters have a difficult time letting go, they are looking for any end every opportunity to leave the tedium of the firehouse to race down busy streets lights and sirens blazing. There is a bit of a rush in it, but primary in the mind of the Firefighter is whether or not they will be able to extinguish the flames before they destroy the whole system. Through the use of meditation practices, reaching out to others, insights regarding the burdens carried by the system, and a host of other therapeutic activities, the Firefighter can be both appreciated for their efforts to serve and protect the system as well as understand that the system will not be destroyed by a little flare up now and then. This will allow some breathing room between trigger and acting out and serve to maintain a higher level of safety and security.

By understanding these parts of self, one can better organize their recovery efforts. Each part needs to be understood, appreciated, and influenced by the core self. Thus, like the dog sled team, we can be pulled rather than pushed. Being pulled means that we are in greater control and can clearly see the influence that each member of the team, including our internal parts, has on the direction we are going. We can then register our own decisions and direct our lives toward healthy living.

References

Introduction to the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard C. Schwartz, Ph.D. (2001)

A Guide For The Young Women Who Are Dating: Pornography Addiction is SERIOUS!

Posted at December 13th, 2013
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - - - -
Categories: Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
7 Comments »

cropby Jacy

(Pornography addiction is sexual addiction. Sexual addiction is pornography addiction. Don’t let the words scare you off or make you think it doesn’t apply to you. It’s all the same and as such, I refer to both in this guide.)

1) DO NOT TURN A BLIND EYE

Sometimes ignorance can be momentarily blissful. Sometimes ignorance seems like the easier route. If I pretend like it’s not an issue, it’ll just go away. Well, that only works until it all comes crashing down and the problem surfaces and rears its ugly head. Do not avoid the problem. Don’t avoid this issue. It is real. It is prevalent. It is bad. Recognize the seriousness of it and get the conversations rolling, even if it’s really really really weird and awkward to do so.

2) DO YOUR RESEARCH

Be brave and be smart by getting educated. There are websites, blogs, books, recovery programs of all kinds that offer education and support. Even if you don’t think sexual addiction would be in your stack of cards, learn about the real threat it is and can be to not only your marriage, but your family, and even possibly your own health.

New research is saying that first exposure to pornography is happening between 8-11 years old. Hard core porn. So yes, the man you are dating, engaged to, or are married to has seen it. How much? How often? I can’t tell you…. but he has most likely seen it. Which is why NOW is the time to figure out how often, if it has become something he can no longer control, and how it will affect your relationship moving forward.

3) ASK THE HARD QUESTIONS

I never liked asking the questions when I was back in the dating world as a single mom, but I made myself do it. On a second date, over pizza and root beer, I asked one fellow this question:

“WHEN was the last time you looked at pornography? And WHEN was the last time you looked before that?”
He about choked and he looked at me like I was crazy. I didn’t care. Because it’s not a matter of IF anymore, it’s WHEN!

I know it’s very blunt and I know it can be scary, but ask the hard questions! Even if people think you are crazy, ask anyway.

4) LEARN TO DISCERN

Once you’ve asked the questions, instead of only listening to the words in his answer, listen to your gut.
I know this can prove to be really difficult because you’re so in-love (and understandably so! This is the best time of your life- I get it!), but try your very hardest to listen to what your gut is telling you.

Now, if you’re anything like I was 10 years ago, my gut felt great because I didn’t know the first thing about pornography addiction. I had not the slightest clue as to what I should be looking for. And if someone would have showed me this guide then, I’m not sure I would’ve paid a lick of attention to it. I didn’t give this sexual addiction mumbo jumbo two seconds of thought. As far as I was concerned, it was never going to infiltrate my life.

Please listen to me…. don’t be ignorant and naive like I was! Learn from those who have traveled before you and have learned the hard way.

So, back to discerning…. how do you do this when you’re madly in love and not really sure what you’re looking for?

Trust what you feel in his presence.

Do his words feel too good to be true? Like to the point that it feels almost impossible for it to be this great? Does he answer every question about sex, masturbation, pornography with a “never”? Does he tell you everything you want to hear? Has it never ever ever been a temptation for him?

I would view these types of responses as red flags. My gut screams that this is not accurate. Is it possible that he’s never viewed porn or masturbated in his life? Seth and every other man I know would say absolutely not and he is lying. While it’s not really fair to make general blanket statements, is it possible there are some who never have? I suppose so. Is it probable in this day and age? I’d go ahead and say no. It’s possible, not probable. That’s the way I see it.

On the flip side, does he get defensive and weird when you ask the difficult questions about pornography and masturbation? Does he shy away from talking about it? How does he respond to your genuine concerns about the issue? Does he react defensively and say “I cannot believe that you don’t trust me!” Does he blame you? Does he call you crazy, controlling, or prudish for asking these types of questions?

When it’s not all butterflies in your belly and make-out sessions on the couch, how does he respond to the not so pleasant parts of life? Discern how you feel. Watch closely to see his reaction. I’ve found that you can learn a lot about someone by how they react. In my very humble opinion, if a man is being honest and open and is non-defensive when being asked these challenging questions, it usually means that he is somewhat sexually healthy. To what level? I could not tell you. But non-defensiveness and a willingness to actually engage in the hard conversations is a great starting point and a positive sign.

5) PROCESS HIS ANSWERS BUT DON’T FREAK OUT!

However he responds to your questions, be calm. Even if you are burning inside, try listen to what he says before you just blow up, react and accuse. Let him answer the questions as honestly as he can, as they are hard for him too.

If he responds with:

a) “I’ve never done it!”

This concerns me. “Never” is typically a very unrealistic response in this day and age. Perfection does not exist.

If he responds with:

b) “I look at it a few times a month maybe, but don’t worry… I’ve got it under control. It’s not a problem.”

This concerns me because everyone’s definition of “frequent” and “problem” is different.

If he responds with:

c) “I’ve struggled with it before or I’m struggling with it now”

This concerns me for obvious reasons: addictions have the potential to cause harm.

Are you seeing a pattern here? Every response is concerning to me… call me paranoid, call me Debbie Downer, I don’t care. It is all concerning at this point. So, what do you do? Don’t freak out. Don’t break up on the spot. Don’t try to play therapist.

6) DON’T TRY TO FIX IT YOURSELF- SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP!

Regardless of what the answers are, and regardless of how much you trust, love, or think the world of him, I would schedule at least one appointment with a sexual addiction specialist and I would go, together. YES! I am being 100% dead serious. When you’ve seen the thousands of tears I have seen, when you’ve heard the hundreds of seriously sad stories from women just like me and just like you, and when you’ve witnessed dozens of family’s falling apart because of sexual addiction, it is SERIOUS. This is not a game. This is not a joke. This is your life.

By booking an appointment with an in-tuned therapist, they will be able to offer support to you both. And depending on how severe the usage is, the therapist will help you navigate moving forward. And perhaps if you discover that it’s not a serious issue for the time being, there is no harm whatsoever in addressing the very threatening problem. This, alone, will be worth the 60 minutes of your time and the $100 it will cost you. I cannot reiterate the importance of this enough.

7) THOUGHTFULLY (AND WITH HUMILITY) STUDY THE REALISTIC SITUATION

Acknowledge what exactly it is you are dealing with.

Is this a problem now?

Given the past, could this be a problem in the future?

If addiction is admitted, ask yourself if this something you want to take on?

“Do I understand what marrying an addict really means?”

Now I want to tread on this very carefully because this is by no means an attempt to attack people who struggle with addiction. I know such people and many of them are really smart, wonderful, caring, loving, and successful people. In fact, a few of my most cherished friends have struggled or currently struggle with addiction (both men and women). To me, it’s not the person with the addiction that’s the threat. It’s the addictive behaviors that accompany addiction because addiction, no matter what type, is HARD. And the crappiest part of addiction is that it hurts so many more people than just the addict.

So, again, ask yourself: “Is this something I want to knowingly marry in to?”

If after you’ve very thoughtfully considered all of the above and your answer is YES, promise me that you’ll go back to the therapist. Seek help, seek recovery and gather as many of the tools as you can and get started on it now. Therpay can help you cope with the feelings you’re already experiencing about the frequency of his pornography use, and they will also help you to understand and navigate through what a marriage with this type of addiction will entail. The other crucial part of this is ensuring that your partner continues to go back too, as a therapist will guide what recovery/sobriety will look like for him.

Don’t pretend that it won’t or can’t get worse. I promise you, it can. It does. It happened to me. It happened to hundreds of women that I know personally. Some addictions only go as far as occasional online usage. Some addictions get into more interactive stuff: cyber sex, chatting, dating, etc. And some addictions turn into physical infidelity: affairs, sexual encounters, prostitutes, strip clubs, STD’s. Yes, it happens; to the best of women and men. It happens all the time. It is happening right now. And it usually always always always starts with pornography addiction.

It is not an easy path, no matter how severe or not the addiction is… it ALL hurts the same, that I know to be true.

It doesn’t mean that it can’t work, or that there isn’t healing, recovery, and happiness. Many of my friends have stayed in their marriages. They are making it work. Their husbands are in working recovery. There is such profound love and honor in that. But if you were to ask any one of them on any given day if it’s easy, I am most certain they would all tell you that it is one of the hardest things they’ve ever had to do. Unexplainably hard.

On the other end of the spectrum, if after you’ve very thoughtfully considered all of the above and your answer is NO, you do not want to knowingly marry in to addiction, please know that it is okay. You are not a failure, nor does this mean that you are unforgiving or unwilling to love. Too often we think that we can save people. Or heal people. Or change people. This is erred-thinking. People have to want to change themselves and we are only responsible for our own choices.

Being sexier won’t make a sexual addiction go away.

Having sex every single day for the rest of your life won’t make a sexual addiction go away.

Avoiding the problem won’t make a sexual addiction go away.

As weird as it sounds, sexual addiction isn’t about sex. It’s about so much more and it takes a lot of time, energy and therapy to get to the root of the problem and work real recovery. You are not responsible to fix him, you CAN’T fix him and you are not a loser for walking away.

So, if you decide not to marry someone because of addiction, promise me that you will also go back to individual therapy. I cannot tell you how many women I know who have been traumatized just in the dating world. It’s a big deal, don’t ever minimize it. Get the proper help you will need to heal yourself.

7) REMEMBER YOUR WORTH

In this process, along with the many negative emotions that comes with sexual addiction, one that seems to almost always happen to the woman is a loss of self love and confidence. I think that just might be the most painful part of it all- how worthless we feel. But after 4 years of the most painfully beautiful experience, I’ve realized that it has nothing to do with me; it never did and it never will. I cannot control the choices anyone else will make but what I CAN CONTROL are my OWN choices- one of those being how I see myself, how I love myself, and how I care for my own wellbeing.

No matter what happens in your life, there is hope and you can rise above. Don’t lose hope if you’re not married right away; take your time and be selective. Don’t lose hope if your fiancé admits to addiction; feel blessed that he was willing to admit it to you beforehand so that you can reassess the situation and go in EYES WIDE OPEN. Don’t lose hope if you’re a newly wed and you’ve just discovered secrets; yes, it stinks, but there is help for you both and there is so much hope.

I’ve seen women successfully fight for their relationships/marriages and it’s amazing, I’ve seen women who have fought so hard there is no other choice but to leave, I’ve seen women who wanted to fight but have been left. No matter who they are, or what the outcome is, each of these women are all so resilient, courageous and absolutely beautiful. They are the most beautiful women on earth, I think.

If I can sum it all up, I’d ask that you press forward in this sexually charged world we live in with awareness, wisdom, and confidence. By following these simple tips, you’ll be far ahead of where I was when I was your age. It’s so important to understand how real and destructive sexual addiction is and hopefully this will give you some basic tools that will help you journey down this scary path you never thought you’d have to address. Listen to the women who have blazed the trail before you- because we were young like you once and for most of us, we never thought this would be our reality.

We are here to help you… and hopefully make it a little bit easier…

You can do hard things. Never forget that.

All my love,

Jacy

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