by Jacy
(Pornography addiction is sexual addiction. Sexual addiction is pornography addiction. Don’t let the words scare you off or make you think it doesn’t apply to you. It’s all the same and as such, I refer to both in this guide.)
1) DO NOT TURN A BLIND EYE
Sometimes ignorance can be momentarily blissful. Sometimes ignorance seems like the easier route. If I pretend like it’s not an issue, it’ll just go away. Well, that only works until it all comes crashing down and the problem surfaces and rears its ugly head. Do not avoid the problem. Don’t avoid this issue. It is real. It is prevalent. It is bad. Recognize the seriousness of it and get the conversations rolling, even if it’s really really really weird and awkward to do so.
2) DO YOUR RESEARCH
Be brave and be smart by getting educated. There are websites, blogs, books, recovery programs of all kinds that offer education and support. Even if you don’t think sexual addiction would be in your stack of cards, learn about the real threat it is and can be to not only your marriage, but your family, and even possibly your own health.
New research is saying that first exposure to pornography is happening between 8-11 years old. Hard core porn. So yes, the man you are dating, engaged to, or are married to has seen it. How much? How often? I can’t tell you…. but he has most likely seen it. Which is why NOW is the time to figure out how often, if it has become something he can no longer control, and how it will affect your relationship moving forward.
3) ASK THE HARD QUESTIONS
I never liked asking the questions when I was back in the dating world as a single mom, but I made myself do it. On a second date, over pizza and root beer, I asked one fellow this question:
“WHEN was the last time you looked at pornography? And WHEN was the last time you looked before that?”
He about choked and he looked at me like I was crazy. I didn’t care. Because it’s not a matter of IF anymore, it’s WHEN!
I know it’s very blunt and I know it can be scary, but ask the hard questions! Even if people think you are crazy, ask anyway.
4) LEARN TO DISCERN
Once you’ve asked the questions, instead of only listening to the words in his answer, listen to your gut.
I know this can prove to be really difficult because you’re so in-love (and understandably so! This is the best time of your life- I get it!), but try your very hardest to listen to what your gut is telling you.
Now, if you’re anything like I was 10 years ago, my gut felt great because I didn’t know the first thing about pornography addiction. I had not the slightest clue as to what I should be looking for. And if someone would have showed me this guide then, I’m not sure I would’ve paid a lick of attention to it. I didn’t give this sexual addiction mumbo jumbo two seconds of thought. As far as I was concerned, it was never going to infiltrate my life.
Please listen to me…. don’t be ignorant and naive like I was! Learn from those who have traveled before you and have learned the hard way.
So, back to discerning…. how do you do this when you’re madly in love and not really sure what you’re looking for?
Trust what you feel in his presence.
Do his words feel too good to be true? Like to the point that it feels almost impossible for it to be this great? Does he answer every question about sex, masturbation, pornography with a “never”? Does he tell you everything you want to hear? Has it never ever ever been a temptation for him?
I would view these types of responses as red flags. My gut screams that this is not accurate. Is it possible that he’s never viewed porn or masturbated in his life? Seth and every other man I know would say absolutely not and he is lying. While it’s not really fair to make general blanket statements, is it possible there are some who never have? I suppose so. Is it probable in this day and age? I’d go ahead and say no. It’s possible, not probable. That’s the way I see it.
On the flip side, does he get defensive and weird when you ask the difficult questions about pornography and masturbation? Does he shy away from talking about it? How does he respond to your genuine concerns about the issue? Does he react defensively and say “I cannot believe that you don’t trust me!” Does he blame you? Does he call you crazy, controlling, or prudish for asking these types of questions?
When it’s not all butterflies in your belly and make-out sessions on the couch, how does he respond to the not so pleasant parts of life? Discern how you feel. Watch closely to see his reaction. I’ve found that you can learn a lot about someone by how they react. In my very humble opinion, if a man is being honest and open and is non-defensive when being asked these challenging questions, it usually means that he is somewhat sexually healthy. To what level? I could not tell you. But non-defensiveness and a willingness to actually engage in the hard conversations is a great starting point and a positive sign.
5) PROCESS HIS ANSWERS BUT DON’T FREAK OUT!
However he responds to your questions, be calm. Even if you are burning inside, try listen to what he says before you just blow up, react and accuse. Let him answer the questions as honestly as he can, as they are hard for him too.
If he responds with:
a) “I’ve never done it!”
This concerns me. “Never” is typically a very unrealistic response in this day and age. Perfection does not exist.
If he responds with:
b) “I look at it a few times a month maybe, but don’t worry… I’ve got it under control. It’s not a problem.”
This concerns me because everyone’s definition of “frequent” and “problem” is different.
If he responds with:
c) “I’ve struggled with it before or I’m struggling with it now”
This concerns me for obvious reasons: addictions have the potential to cause harm.
Are you seeing a pattern here? Every response is concerning to me… call me paranoid, call me Debbie Downer, I don’t care. It is all concerning at this point. So, what do you do? Don’t freak out. Don’t break up on the spot. Don’t try to play therapist.
6) DON’T TRY TO FIX IT YOURSELF- SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP!
Regardless of what the answers are, and regardless of how much you trust, love, or think the world of him, I would schedule at least one appointment with a sexual addiction specialist and I would go, together. YES! I am being 100% dead serious. When you’ve seen the thousands of tears I have seen, when you’ve heard the hundreds of seriously sad stories from women just like me and just like you, and when you’ve witnessed dozens of family’s falling apart because of sexual addiction, it is SERIOUS. This is not a game. This is not a joke. This is your life.
By booking an appointment with an in-tuned therapist, they will be able to offer support to you both. And depending on how severe the usage is, the therapist will help you navigate moving forward. And perhaps if you discover that it’s not a serious issue for the time being, there is no harm whatsoever in addressing the very threatening problem. This, alone, will be worth the 60 minutes of your time and the $100 it will cost you. I cannot reiterate the importance of this enough.
7) THOUGHTFULLY (AND WITH HUMILITY) STUDY THE REALISTIC SITUATION
Acknowledge what exactly it is you are dealing with.
Is this a problem now?
Given the past, could this be a problem in the future?
If addiction is admitted, ask yourself if this something you want to take on?
“Do I understand what marrying an addict really means?”
Now I want to tread on this very carefully because this is by no means an attempt to attack people who struggle with addiction. I know such people and many of them are really smart, wonderful, caring, loving, and successful people. In fact, a few of my most cherished friends have struggled or currently struggle with addiction (both men and women). To me, it’s not the person with the addiction that’s the threat. It’s the addictive behaviors that accompany addiction because addiction, no matter what type, is HARD. And the crappiest part of addiction is that it hurts so many more people than just the addict.
So, again, ask yourself: “Is this something I want to knowingly marry in to?”
If after you’ve very thoughtfully considered all of the above and your answer is YES, promise me that you’ll go back to the therapist. Seek help, seek recovery and gather as many of the tools as you can and get started on it now. Therpay can help you cope with the feelings you’re already experiencing about the frequency of his pornography use, and they will also help you to understand and navigate through what a marriage with this type of addiction will entail. The other crucial part of this is ensuring that your partner continues to go back too, as a therapist will guide what recovery/sobriety will look like for him.
Don’t pretend that it won’t or can’t get worse. I promise you, it can. It does. It happened to me. It happened to hundreds of women that I know personally. Some addictions only go as far as occasional online usage. Some addictions get into more interactive stuff: cyber sex, chatting, dating, etc. And some addictions turn into physical infidelity: affairs, sexual encounters, prostitutes, strip clubs, STD’s. Yes, it happens; to the best of women and men. It happens all the time. It is happening right now. And it usually always always always starts with pornography addiction.
It is not an easy path, no matter how severe or not the addiction is… it ALL hurts the same, that I know to be true.
It doesn’t mean that it can’t work, or that there isn’t healing, recovery, and happiness. Many of my friends have stayed in their marriages. They are making it work. Their husbands are in working recovery. There is such profound love and honor in that. But if you were to ask any one of them on any given day if it’s easy, I am most certain they would all tell you that it is one of the hardest things they’ve ever had to do. Unexplainably hard.
On the other end of the spectrum, if after you’ve very thoughtfully considered all of the above and your answer is NO, you do not want to knowingly marry in to addiction, please know that it is okay. You are not a failure, nor does this mean that you are unforgiving or unwilling to love. Too often we think that we can save people. Or heal people. Or change people. This is erred-thinking. People have to want to change themselves and we are only responsible for our own choices.
Being sexier won’t make a sexual addiction go away.
Having sex every single day for the rest of your life won’t make a sexual addiction go away.
Avoiding the problem won’t make a sexual addiction go away.
As weird as it sounds, sexual addiction isn’t about sex. It’s about so much more and it takes a lot of time, energy and therapy to get to the root of the problem and work real recovery. You are not responsible to fix him, you CAN’T fix him and you are not a loser for walking away.
So, if you decide not to marry someone because of addiction, promise me that you will also go back to individual therapy. I cannot tell you how many women I know who have been traumatized just in the dating world. It’s a big deal, don’t ever minimize it. Get the proper help you will need to heal yourself.
7) REMEMBER YOUR WORTH
In this process, along with the many negative emotions that comes with sexual addiction, one that seems to almost always happen to the woman is a loss of self love and confidence. I think that just might be the most painful part of it all- how worthless we feel. But after 4 years of the most painfully beautiful experience, I’ve realized that it has nothing to do with me; it never did and it never will. I cannot control the choices anyone else will make but what I CAN CONTROL are my OWN choices- one of those being how I see myself, how I love myself, and how I care for my own wellbeing.
No matter what happens in your life, there is hope and you can rise above. Don’t lose hope if you’re not married right away; take your time and be selective. Don’t lose hope if your fiancé admits to addiction; feel blessed that he was willing to admit it to you beforehand so that you can reassess the situation and go in EYES WIDE OPEN. Don’t lose hope if you’re a newly wed and you’ve just discovered secrets; yes, it stinks, but there is help for you both and there is so much hope.
I’ve seen women successfully fight for their relationships/marriages and it’s amazing, I’ve seen women who have fought so hard there is no other choice but to leave, I’ve seen women who wanted to fight but have been left. No matter who they are, or what the outcome is, each of these women are all so resilient, courageous and absolutely beautiful. They are the most beautiful women on earth, I think.
If I can sum it all up, I’d ask that you press forward in this sexually charged world we live in with awareness, wisdom, and confidence. By following these simple tips, you’ll be far ahead of where I was when I was your age. It’s so important to understand how real and destructive sexual addiction is and hopefully this will give you some basic tools that will help you journey down this scary path you never thought you’d have to address. Listen to the women who have blazed the trail before you- because we were young like you once and for most of us, we never thought this would be our reality.
We are here to help you… and hopefully make it a little bit easier…
You can do hard things. Never forget that.
All my love,
Jacy
Good article. You did forget one item from your list of how bad sexual addiction can progress to: sexual abuse of a child. It is more pervasive and common than you may be aware of. Men and women will become so desensitized to perverted sex acts they absolutely can go down this path. To think he can view up to 14 hours of porn and be in the cyber chat rooms, meet with people, watch whatever horrific and violent acts may show up but not use his own child is incredibly naive. I’m not saying you’re that naive, but for those who dismiss this part, they’re naive. There are those out there that would never go down that path, but do you know who they are for sure? No. How do I know? I mentor sex abuse victims. I hear their stories. I was also married to a sex addict who did go that far. Never underestimate this sickness. Sex addiction is progressive, just like any other addiction. If it’s not managed, it progresses.
You said that in this day and age, it is possible for some men that never had pornagraphy or masterbation issue but not probably. Having set that expectation, how do you expect a man to respond without being concerned? Based on point number 5, you as a woman, is going to be concerned no matter what kind of answer he gives. Even if he gives the answer “I’ve struggled with it before but not anymore”. How do you know he’s not going to elapse?
Like the old saying goes “it’s not matter of if, it’s matter of when.” In this case, you are going to be concerned no matter what he answers. So the question is, how do you deal with your concerns healthily? What is the correct expectation for him regarding this issue? What is the correct balance between breaking up and moving forward?
I’m not perfect and I do fall. I know it’s a sin and I do not like it one bit. All I can do is continue to try to overcome it, have a desire to be better and be clean. I hope the girl who I will marry will see that as a good attribute and will weight it more than who I am currently.
Too much personal experience masquerading as sound advice. This reads like one of those “when did you stop kicking your dog” jokes. No matter how a man answers he’s always guilty in some fashion and just a click away from hooking up with a prostitute.
The most recent PEW study says that 25% of men and 8% of women are viewing porn on the internet. That only means 1 in 4 men not every man. I agree that these numbers are woefully inaccurate but the 100% statistic you have used to cloud the minds of readers is not fair either.
There are many people who are successful in eliminating pornography use from their lives, intimating this is impossible is so unfair and is just a Debbie Downer maneuver as opposed to being helpful.
Couching comments as not wanting to attack the addict while giving women a stern caution that this could be a problem in the future, do you know what marrying an addict means etc… sure doesn’t help the recovering addict heal and have healthy relationships. In fact, making the relationship hinge on his answer to “when did you last view pornography” and then dissecting his answer via your method only means the man is guilty of never being good enough or a liar, but probably both! How unfair and skewed.
Also, I read and re-read this for signs of praise and confidence for those who are recovering and have been on that path for years. I know many people who are at multiple decades of recovery for drug, alcohol and sexual addictions! Implying that men don’t or can’t fundamentally change is evidence that you are still “helping” people from a place of trauma and not seeing people in their full capacities.
Please refrain from making this all sound so one sided and fatalistic. There are many men who are fully aware of the power of pornography and have made the decision to get help, make changes and are on a great path of recovery.
I found this article to be a very therapist promoting, nonfactual, Man bashing piece. Shew basically says, ask the question, and no matter what his answer is, realize he’s a sex addict, and he’s a liar. Do you really want to marry a addict? (all men are addicts with her logic) If you do, make sure you go to someone else, who professionally tells you that your man has sexual problems, and while your at it, get yourself some counseling, because dating is traumatizing.
Even if you don’t have a man, it’s probably best to get counselling. In the end, you should definitely get counselling, and no matter how you feel about your life, you need counselling.
That’s about the gist of the article.
Jacy does not devalue the man in her article. She show respect to the man by helping women come in terms of reality. She helps women come to terms with the issue of pornography in their life. She gives advice to other women – advice that works. A woman really doesn’t know what she is getting into when she starts to date someone who has a sexual addiction. She doesn’t know what she has discovered when her gut feeling or some discovery reveals her husband as one who is sexually addicted. All of the bold moves that she suggests are more than suggestions. They have been effective tools that have worked with her clients, with herself, and with clients of her colleagues.
She left the most important part of why being with a porn addict is so horrible: They stop wanting sex with YOU. When they do have sex with you it’s sex only, not love-making. They become impotent with you. They can get premature ejaculation. This is what porn does. That, more than the porn use itself, is what’s so devastating to the woman involved with the porn user. Go to yourbrainonporn.
Thank you Jacy. I wish someone would have given me this advice 20 years ago. I don’t find your viewpoint fatalistic at all. I think we all need to have the difficult conversations. I don’t think this would’ve changed my mind about marrying my husband but it would have helped us start recovery earlier. To me these questions are not unfair? Would you knowingly marry a drug addict or alcoholic without asking these same questions? Why should this addiction be any different?