Geoff Steurer, director of LifeSTAR of St. George, UT, a three-phase pornography addiction treatment program for individuals and couples, discusses the impact of perfectionism on individuals and the formation of addictions. This clip is from the forthcoming documentary, Shamed.
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Archive for the ‘Shame’ Category
Perfectionism in families
Posted at August 19th, 2012Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: General Sexual Addiction - healing pornography addiction - Pornography Addiction - Pornography treatment - sexual addiction - St George Utah pornography addiction - St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
Categories: Pornography Addiction, Shame, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
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I am not my body
Posted at July 20th, 2010Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: Pornography Addiction - sexual addiction recovery - St George Utah pornography addiction
Categories: Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Shame, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
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I am a fan of Stephanie Nielson’s blog “The NieNie Diaglogues.” I love her stories of her marriage, her children, and her observations about ordinary life. What I love most, however, is her message that she is not her body. Stephanie was involved in a near-fatal plane crash in 2008 where she was burned on over 80% of her body. She has chronicled her journey through multiple surgeries and excruciating rehabilitation.
Her husband, Mr. Nielson, as she affectionately refers to him, was burned on over 30% of his body. Together, they have inspired thousands, if not millions, to keep moving forward when the pain seems unbearable. Even though the source of their pain was originally physical and didn’t come from betrayal, there are still powerful messages of hope and healing in their story.
Her body has drastically changed (check out her blog and you’ll see pictures of her before the crash), but she isn’t hiding from the world. She posts pictures of her body, scars and all.
This is such a different message from the perfection-obsessed media that Photoshops every image to match the “official body” requirements of the fashion and celebrity circus. Magazine covers talk about getting perfect lips, perfect thighs, perfect sex, perfect blah blah blah.
Read Stephanie’s blog to understand what really matters. Trust me…. you’ll be moved by her message.
I love Stephanie’s courage and resolve to show the world who she really is. I’m grateful she did. I’m certainly a better man because of her example.
Seeing with compassion
Posted at July 6th, 2010Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: addiction recovery - General Sexual Addiction - healing pornography addiction - long-term recovery - Partners of pornography addicts - partners of sexual addicts - Pornography Addiction - St George Utah pornography addiction - St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment - Trauma and pornography addiction
Categories: Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, General Sexual Addiction, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Shame, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment, Trauma and pornography addiction
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“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.”Pema Chodron
Healthy long-term recovery from pornography and sexual addiction as well as the trauma experienced by injured partners involves being able to see oneself more clearly. This allows couples to heal more authentically. When one can sit with the intense emotions and thoughts that come from our experiences, relationships, personalities, disappointments, and other sources, the compassion can start to flow and real connection begins to happen.
Feeling safe
Posted at June 21st, 2010Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: addiction - addiction recovery - couples - Disclosure - disclosure of pornography addiction - General Sexual Addiction - healing pornography addiction - long-term recovery - Partners of pornography addicts - partners of sexual addicts - pornography - Pornography Addiction - pornography addiction prevention - Pornography treatment - sexual addiction - Shame - St George Utah pornography addiction - St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
Categories: Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, General Sexual Addiction, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Shame, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
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“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.”
- Dinah Craik (1826-1887), English poet and novelist
I believe one of the most healing things about recovery is learning to open up and be vulnerable with other people. When individuals (both those who struggle and their partners) begin attending groups, 12-step meetings, or talking to someone they trust, something important begins to happen. They start to feel safe. For some individuals, this is the first time they’ve felt safe with another person.
Recovery isn’t just about stopping a behavior. It’s about healing relationships.
Silencing the Inner Critic
Posted at March 29th, 2010Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: addiction - Shame
Categories: In the news/media, Shame
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Slow down
Posted at November 1st, 2009Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: General Sexual Addiction - Pornography Addiction - self-care - St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
Categories: Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, self-care, Shame
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Just finished reading this great commentary from Bob Greene on CNN.com on the need to slow down and connect in real-time. Individuals who struggle with pornography addiction and their partners often feel disconnected from the people who matter most to them. Their lives feel unorganized and chaotic. This is in large part to the disconnected experience that comes from shame. Shame makes us feel like we’re outside of ourselves. Whether it’s the shame of violating your own standards or the shame of feeling rejected and unloved because of someone’s choices, the disconnection still impacts the way life feels.
A major recovery task is to slow down and notice what’s around you. Unplug, turn off the phone, spend time doing nothing with those you love.
My wife recently started sitting outside at dusk to feel connected and recharged. She stops working around the house with the kids and goes outside to sit in a patio chair in front of our house. We’ve started following her out there to sit and enjoy the waning sunshine. It’s a warm, calm, and peaceful moment that lasts only about 20 minutes. It’s made a huge difference in the pace and energy of our evenings.
I’ve challenged many of my clients to start slowing down more and experience life without pressures and schedules. What can you slow down right now?
“Fake” is the new “Real”
Posted at October 18th, 2009Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: body image - media literacy - Partners of pornography addicts - Pornography Addiction
Categories: General Sexual Addiction, In the news/media, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Protecting Families from Pornography, Shame
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Men and women are falling prey to the impossible standards of beauty perpetuated by the media. Magazine editors admit that virtually EVERY photo in today’s magazines has been modified. Most local family photographers also report that their clients demand photo retouching as part of the portrait package. It’s not okay to look “real” anymore. “Fake” is the new “real” and it’s driving people to be unhappy with their own and their partner’s appearances. Body image dissatisfaction among women and girls is higher than it’s ever been. Addiction to pornography in all it’s form is rampant. Imagine what would happen if we slowed down our media consumption and spent more time connecting with REAL people in REAL relationships in REAL time.
Shame and Identity
Posted at June 9th, 2009Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: sexual addiction - Shame
Categories: General Sexual Addiction, Pornography Addiction, Shame
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Maurine Proctor, editor-in-chief for Meridian Magazine, an online LDS magazine, recently wrote two fantastic articles on the topics of shame and identity. Since sexual addiction kills the spirituality of those who struggle with it, it’s critical that spiritual solutions are sought out as the basis treatment. Understanding personal worth and value, especially how God sees us, is critical to our emotional and spiritual well-being. Those who enter and stay in long-term recovery understand their true worth and value. They don’t berate themselves for mistakes. They learn from mistakes and continue to move forward with gratitude for the lessons learned. God is not some umpire waiting to call us out. He’s a loving Father who seeks after the well-being and safety of His children. Thank you, Maurine, for teaching such powerful truths on shame and identity. Exposing these falsehoods is a major step in healing sexual addiction.
Isolation and Self-Loathing
Posted at June 6th, 2009Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: disclosure of pornography addiction - Pornography Addiction
Categories: Disclosure, General Sexual Addiction, Pornography Addiction, Shame
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I think one of the most dangerous conditions a recovering individual can experience is the combination of feeling self-loathing and isolation. Self-loathing, or shame, is a common experience for those in recovery. It is usually something most recovering individuals feel long before their addiction starts (as you know, addiction is actually a cover-up for feelings of shame….more on this in a future blog post). This self-loathing is based in the belief that one is unacceptable to others, including God. Because of these feelings of shame, most addicts are tempted to stay in isolation and secrecy. They hide from their most important relationships and don’t want to be exposed with their mistakes. It’s difficult for them to see their mistake as learning opportunities. Instead, the mistakes reaffirm their feelings of self-loathing, creating a self-reinforcing cycle of negativity. The only way to break out of this negative spiral is to come out of hiding and talk with someone who is safe. With practice, the continued connection to others in this way begins to chip away at the feelings of self-loathing with are then replaced with truth about an individual’s worth and value.
Measuring success
Posted at May 25th, 2009Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: long-term recovery - Pornography Addiction - sexual temptation
Categories: General Sexual Addiction, Pornography Addiction, Shame
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I recently read a quote from a leader in the LDS Church, Elder Robert D. Hales, on the subject of addictions. He said, “Our success is never measured by how strongly we are tempted but by how faithfully we respond”. What a reassuring thought!
I have found in my work with men and women who struggle with addictive behaviors that they often shame themselves when they feel strong temptation to slip back into old patterns of behaving. Many feel like they haven’t made any progress if they still feel tempted. On the contrary, the fact that they can recognize and respond in different ways is evidence that they have made progress.
No one has escaped temptation on this earth. Those in recovery from sexual addiction will experience a lifetime of temptation in a variety of presentations. There is no discouragement intended in this statement. Instead, it is a realization that the ability to recognize and respond to the different types of temptation that will come with recovery.
Initially, addicts are tempted with the more obvious sexual temptations of acting out of lust. Eventually, the temptations include shaming thoughts and feelings, slacking from the diligence required of recovery, blame, procrastination, and so on. While sexual temptation is something that surround all of us, those in recovery will find that their ability to respond to these temptations strengthens with time.
As Elder Hales teaches, faithful responses to temptations are the sign of true and lasting recovery.