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Fighting Against Pornography- Part 3

Posted at August 1st, 2013
Posted by Geoff Steurer
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Categories: Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, General Sexual Addiction, In the news/media, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Protecting Children from Pornography, Protecting Families from Pornography, Shame, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment, Uncategorized
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Editor’s note: The following story deals with sexually-themed subject matter that will not be appropriate for some readers. Discretion is advised.

This is part three in a four-part series. Read part one: “Ubiquitous assailant: The dangerous unasked questions surrounding pornography.” Read part two: “Second-hand porn: the spreading circle of damage.” Read part four: “How couples break the cycle of addiction.”

As she flips through the sex offense cases for the Metropolitan Police in Reykjavik, Iceland, assistant prosecutor Sigridur Hjaltested shakes her head.

A 15-year-old girl pressured into having sex with three boys.

One of the boys was 15. The other two were even younger.

Recently, Hjaltested filed charges in the case of a woman in her 20s who was expecting a sexual encounter with a man in his 30s, yet suddenly the man’s friend showed up and demanded to take part.

The charge was rape using violence and unlawful pressure.

There’s nothing new about sex crimes, but over the last five years, the sexual offenses division in Reykjavik has seen crimes that are more graphic, violent, and perpetrated by younger and younger individuals.

“The sexual offense cases we get bear more (resemblance) to hard-core sex and a sex culture that is rapidly changing,” Hjaltested said. “I do not think that is a good development.”

Distribution of pornography has been illegal in the liberal, socially progressive Nordic country since it was codified in 1940, but “porn” wasn’t defined and enforcement has been sporadic due to a lack of resources. Because the majority of today’s pornography is accessed online, Iceland’s former minister of the interior proposed a bill that would legally define pornography with references to violence and humiliation rather than nudity and sexually explicitness — thus making most of today’s mainstream violent Internet porn illegal.

“There are great concerns that violent porn has blurred the line between sex and violence,” said Ögmundur Jónasson, who sponsored the proposal during his tenure as minister of the interior, which ended with the country’s April elections. “A broad consensus has developed in Iceland where we agree that the current situation is not acceptable.” Jónasson had organized a committee that was considering making it illegal to buy porn using Icelandic credit cards, or creating a national blacklist of pornographic websites — but opponents pointed out problems ranging from technological hurdles and false labeling of good websites to concerns over censorship. It’s unknown whether the new government will pursue the bill.

Any country wishing to prevent the spread of pornography faces similar questions now that pornography has exploded from brick-and-mortar products to ever-accessible Internet offerings.

Like Iceland, the United States also has laws that ban obscenity — a legally defined, albeit contested, subset of pornography — but they’re not being enforced, experts say.

“In theory it’s possible for the government to enforce them,” says Eugene Volokh, a professor of First Amendment law at UCLA School of Law. “It’s just that there’s been very little political appetite to do that, with changing social mores … coupled with a sense that it’s extremely unlikely that this is going to do any good.”

Experts like Volokh point out that prosecutions may be decreasing because the laws intended to prosecute obscenity were a bit vague to begin with and are even more muddled now that offenders are predominantly online.

Others, like Patrick Trueman, president and CEO of Morality in Media and chief of the Child Exploitation and Obscenity Section in the Department of Justice from 1988-1993, point to a successful history of obscenity prosecutions in the country and say there’s no reason existing laws can’t be used to prosecute Internet offenders — especially if the public steps up and once again demands legal action.

“I don’t think that obscenity is no longer prosecutable — it is,” says Robert Showers, founder of the National Law Center for Children and Families and chief of the Child Exploitation and Obscenity section at the Department of Justice in the 1980s. “But it would take, quite frankly, an avalanche of public sentiment … saying, ‘We’re not putting up with this anymore.'”

LOCAL BATTLES

Fourteen years ago in a Provo courtroom, defense attorney Randy Spencer asked a jury of Utah County residents to consider the following numbers:

 

19,389 adult pay-per-view movies rented from DirectTV in three years.

 

 

1,416 adult pay-per-view movies purchased during a nine-month test run of “Spice TV” in Provo, Spanish Fork and Payson. (Response was so good corporate headquarters wanted the local affiliate to offer “Playboy TV” as well.)

 

 

20 percent of profits at Orem movie store Sun Coast Video came from adult video sales — only 2.5 percent of its total inventory.

 

 

3,444 non-cable-edited X-rated movies purchased by patrons at the Marriott Hotel — literally across the street from the courthouse.

 

How could the county charge his client Larry W. Peterman with violating community standards of decency, Spencer asked the jury, when Utah County residents themselves had accepted, albeit clandestinely, adult entertainment being sold in their malls and viewed in their homes?

Peterman was acquitted on all charges.

Results like that make prosecutors hesitant to file porn cases, says Raymond Robertson, the Commonwealth’s Attorney for Staunton, Va., and one of the last prosecutors to successfully get an obscenity conviction against a pornographer over the last decade.

“I don’t know if they’re too busy, or they don’t care, or they think the law is one thing when it’s actually another,” he said. “But the law is pretty clear and it’s clearly on the side of … if it’s obscene, it’s illegal.”

The law he’s talking about is called the Miller test, a 1973 Supreme Court decision that defined obscenity using a three-prong test: Would the average community member find that the material in question appeals to a morbid or degrading interest in sex? Does it show or describe sexual content in a patently offensive way? And then, considering a broader, nationwide audience, does it lack literary, artistic, political or scientific merit?

If the answers are yes, then the material is obscene, regardless of who used it, how they used it, where they used it, and how pervasive it is around them, Robertson says, emphasizing that prosecutors have to stand firm on those prongs and avoid getting derailed by defense attorney’s arguments about free speech and tolerance.

The Free Speech Coalition, the trade association for the adult entertainment industry, has a different perspective on the law.

“The more people there are who enjoy adult entertainment, the harder it becomes to make the argument that adult entertainment is patently offensive to the average person,” the trade group argued in its most recent report on the state of the industry. “If adult entertainment is, in fact, widely accepted by mainstream populations, then the use of criminal obscenity law to regulate it is unconstitutional.”

FEDERAL FIGHTS

As Mary Beth Buchanan, the U.S. Attorney for the Western District of Pennsylvania, initiated an obscenity case against a Los Angeles-based pornographer in 2003, the letters began pouring into her office.

“How can you, as an attorney in Pittsburgh, prosecute a couple in California?”

“Obscenity laws still exist?”

“With all the other problems we face, why are we spending taxpayers’ money fighting porn?”

And her favorite: “Thanks for tackling this. Good luck.”

The public’s confusion and surprise was understandable and even part of her motivation, Buchanan said. The grand jury indictment of Extreme Associates and owners Robert Zicari (aka Rob Black) and Janet Romano (aka Lizzy Borden) represented the first federal obscenity case filed in nearly 10 years.

“Bringing these cases will remind the public that we do have laws that prohibit obscenity and those laws are enforceable,” Buchanan said. “If (people) find this material, they don’t have to accept it; they don’t have to tolerate it; they can bring it to law enforcement.”

Federal law prohibits selling, mailing, transporting, broadcasting, producing or transferring obscene material — which Extreme Associates was doing by mailing DVDs to a local Pennsylvania retailer, as well as offering Internet material that was being accessed in the community.

The couple was charged with 10 counts of production and distribution of obscene pornographic materials by mail and the Internet, which carried the potential for 50 years in prison and/or a $2.5 million fine.

Buchanan charged headlong into the case, relying on years of experience prosecuting child pornographers to propel her through six years of legal procedure that included a dismissal and a successful appeal to the 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals, which returned the case to the district court. The case ended with guilty pleas and a yearlong prison sentence for each defendant.

“I don’t recall any other case during my entire career that took that much time and effort to obtain a judgment or conviction,” Buchanan said. “When I compare this to all the drug and gun cases we did at this time, this one case had as much impact on the pornography industry … as hundreds of cases in some other area.”

For a long time after the victory, Buchanan would get calls from defense attorneys who represented pornographers, asking if they were advising their clients correctly on what would and wouldn’t fly in their films.

“What that showed me is they were taking the law seriously, which they had not for many years,” Buchanan said. “They recognized that the law was still in effect, prosecutors were paying attention to it, and if producers violated it, there would be consequences.”

During the end of Ronald Reagan’s presidency and the beginning of George H.W. Bush’s, adult obscenity prosecution was in full swing at the federal level, leading to a decrease in hardcore pornography and a sense of hesitancy on the part of pornographers, says Trueman, who headed up the Department of Justice office for years. Such success proved the laws were effective.

Yet, the Department of Justice hasn’t filed an adult obscenity case since 2010.

The most recent adjudication came in January, when Ira Isaacs, a self-proclaimed “shock artist,” was sentenced to four years in prison for his obscene films featuring bestiality and an obsession with feces.

Yet his case was filed six years ago, and had been winding through mountains of legal motions and three jury trials to get to the recent finish line.

“The department has brought numerous obscenity prosecutions in recent years, including the recent case against Ira Isaacs,” said Peter Carr, Department of Justice spokesman. “However, we have focused our limited investigative and prosecutorial resources on the most egregious cases, particularly those that facilitate child exploitation and cases involving the sexual abuse of children, including obscene depictions of child rape. For that reason, the significant majority of the federal obscenity cases we have charged involve the exploitation of children.”

Along with prosecuting child pornography, federal law also prohibits knowingly distributing obscenity to minors, as well as creating misleading web addresses or web images designed to deceive children into viewing pornography.

Child porn is one area where the government can focus its resources and rest assured that their enforcement activities are going to stand up to the scrutiny of the law, says Marcia Hofmann, an attorney who specializes in Internet law.

“There’s a tremendously strong interest in protecting children,” she says. “When the law enforcement starts to go into areas where there is less of a compelling interest, then there’s a great fear … of getting in a big fight over whether prosecution is OK.”

And this is where the public could step in and show prosecutors there’s still a compelling interest to prosecute, says Trueman. After all, law enforcement operates off of complaints, he says.

“If you don’t like the situation, if you don’t like a porn shop in your town, contact the district attorney. Make sure their phones ring off the hook,” he says. “But the public isn’t doing that. They haven’t done that for many years.”

Perhaps it’s because many feel the battle against the spread of pornography is futile, says Volokh.

“If a prosecutor wants to prosecute distributors of online porn under Miller, there’s a good chance he’ll get a conviction,” Volokh says. “But if the goal of the prosecutor is to make porn less accessible, that’s what’s not possible. One thing that we have found, is that in free countries, it’s hard to stop the spread of things that people want to consume.”

The government could try to install something like a nationwide China-like firewall, (which would incur massive opposition) or begin monitoring ISPs and the raid the homes of people acquiring obscenity, which is legal to possess, but not to acquire or transport. It would be a rare, but legal charge, too draconian “even for people who’d like to wave a magic wand and have all porn gone,” Volokh says.

But enforcing existing law isn’t draconian, it’s responsible, Buchanan insists. Yes, it’s difficult and requires significant time and energy, but it sends a message to the public, to pornographers and to other prosecutors that obscenity is taken seriously and that the laws written to enforce it are still being used.

“To bring these cases is important because it reminds the people in the community that it is their choice on what material they find offensive, and what material they think that the law applies to,” she says. “If they don’t speak up, then prosecutors won’t know that this type of material is material that they don’t want in their communities.”

What YOU can do:

 

Communicate with local law enforcement and prosecutors as well as state prosecutors about establishments or Internet sites you find offensive and problematic

 

 

Write letters or call companies that use sexually explicit advertising and express your concern and determination to shop elsewhere

 

 

Refuse to support companies that make money off of distributing pornography. For information on such companies visit pornharms.com/dirtydozen

 

 

Become educated about the applicable obscenity laws in your state and at the federal level

 

 

Become educated about pornography and pornography addiction

 

 

Talk to youths about sexuality and appropriate expressions of intimacy

 

 

Install filters on computers, phones, gaming systems and cable systems to prevent exposure to pornography

Fighting Against Pornography Part 4

Posted at August 1st, 2013
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Categories: Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, General Sexual Addiction, In the news/media, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Protecting Children from Pornography, Protecting Families from Pornography, Shame, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
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SALT LAKE CITY — With an eye toward both preventing and recovering from the devastating impacts of pornography, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has launched a new website that is based on what one therapist calls “the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”

The website is titled “Overcoming Pornography Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.” Benjamin Erwin, who holds a Ph.D. in marriage and family therapy and who works as a program manager for LDS Family Services, said the site was created as a resource for LDS individuals, families and local ecclesiastical leaders.

“This isn’t the be-all, end-all on dealing with pornography issues and impacts,” said Erwin, who was one of the subject matter experts on the website development team. “But for Latter-day Saints who are either dealing with pornography themselves or in their families or as local church leaders, this is a great place to start.”

Although he is a trained professional, Erwin makes it clear the website is not “based on scientific evidence or some important therapeutic concept.” Rather, he says, “This is based on gospel truth and the healing power of the Savior.”

The new website addresses pornography-related issues from within the context of LDS standards and teachings. Unlike the previous LDS website about pornography — which focused on combating the effects of pornography in personal and family lives — this site offers suggestions about how to prevent as well as deal with the impact.

The website is divided into three sections: one for individuals, one for families and one for local church leaders. Each section includes resources and practical guidance aimed at both prevention and recovery from pornography impacts.

From a preventative standpoint, especially with regard to children and teenagers, Erwin said three keys seem to emerge. First, he said, take full advantage of the filtering technology that is available to make pornography inaccessible on personal and home computers and mobile devices.

“Research tells us that a majority of parents feel it is a good idea to have some kind of filter on their computers, but a minority of parents have actually installed those filters,” Erwin said.

Even with the most successful filtering system in the world, however, some images and messages are going to get through. That is why Erwin says parents need to cultivate the kind of open, honest relationship in which children are comfortable with talking about the things they are seeing and experiencing.

“Pornography and other addictive behaviors thrive in secrecy,” he said. “That’s why it is so important to cultivate relationships of trust and honesty in the home. When children are exposed to pornography, you don’t want them to keep it a secret. You want them to talk about it — not so you can lecture, but so you can just talk.”

Third, Erwin said, is the importance of proactive teaching.

“Elder M. Russell Ballard (of the LDS Church Quorum of the Twelve) spoke in general conference about the importance of having the ‘big talks,'” Erwin said. “The simple fact is, if parents don’t teach children and young people about sexuality, the world will. Everywhere you look, the world is explaining its view of what sex is and how you are supposed to express yourself, and it is not what the gospel of Jesus Christ teaches.”

Unfortunately, even with all of the preventative measures firmly in place, some children, youth and adults still develop pornography habits and addictions. To them, Erwin said, the website offers hope.

“There is hope for full recovery from an addiction to pornography through the Savior,” he said. “But it is up to the individual to make that happen. No one can do it for them, not a spouse or a parent or a priesthood leader. Only as the individual turns to the Savior will he or she recover.”

The website includes a planning sheet that individuals can use to help them make a plan for what they are going to do to recover from pornography.

“It’s not necessarily an exhaustive list,” he said, “but it’s a good place for them to start.”

On the website individuals can also watch videos featuring the true stories of others who have overcome pornography.

“If you’re watching a story of someone who has been where you are, it resonates with you,” Erwin said. “You say, ‘He’s been there, and he’s now healed. That gives me hope.'”

Fighting Against Pornography- Part 5

Posted at August 1st, 2013
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - - - - - - - - - - - -
Categories: Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, General Sexual Addiction, In the news/media, Marriage, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Protecting Families from Pornography, Shame, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment, Trauma and pornography addiction
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Editor’s note: The following story deals with sexually-themed subject matter that will not be appropriate for some readers. Discretion is advised.

This is part four in a four-part series. Read part one: “Ubiquitous assailant: The dangerous unasked questions surrounding pornography.” Read part two: “Second-hand porn: the spreading circle of damage.” Read part 3: “Why laws to fight pornography aren’t being used.”

The worst moment for Megan was not the initial discovery of Tom’s porn habit. That had been tough but she handled it. Fourteen years later, though, Tom was still hooked on pornography, with no end in sight.

Then Megan learned about the strip clubs.

Megan (names have been changed) had developed strong intuition about Tom’s porn use.

“I can tell,” she told Tom. “It’s your temper, short fuse, frustration level with the kids, general irritability. I know that is not your real self. When I see that, I think you are acting out.”

After that, Tom worked at controlling his temper to hide his porn binges, but no deception is perfect.

He was on a business trip in 2010 when she challenged him on the phone from their home in the Salt Lake City area, asking point-blank whether he had ever been to strip clubs. Tom had, but he hadn’t visited one in six years. He confessed that he had gone more than once, but less than several and that he had quit after getting a lap dance, which he saw as a dangerous step toward further infidelity.

“That was very scary to me,” Tom says. “It became real.”

So he drew a line against strip clubs and held it. But the hotel room porn and Internet indulgence continued, as did the guilt and irritability. Still, even though the strip club indiscretion was six years old, Megan had asked the question.

“Do you really want to discuss this on the phone?” Tom answered. “I think we better do this face to face.”

“I came home from that trip, and the next day, which happened to be my birthday, we sat down,” Tom said. “The strip clubs were obviously a sucker punch for her.”

Megan was through hoping and waiting.

First discovery

Megan had discovered his porn habit two years after they got married.

Their marriage to that point had been solid — no grounds for mistrust. Then one day Megan, upon returning from a weekend trip, asked Tom what he had done while she was gone. “I totally knew he was lying,” she said. Called on it, Tom admitted that he had looked at pornography.

The habit had begun two years ealier, he explained, when he had chanced on a soft core pornographic magazine while picking up trash in the neighborhood. He snuck it home, and he had been looking at pornography ever since.

With the truth on the table, the couple talked to their Mormon bishop. He encouraged Tom to “try harder” or exercise more.

“Ecclesiastical leaders didn’t really have the tools back then,” Megan said.

But Tom tried nonetheless. “They call it ‘white knuckling,’ ” Megan said. Tom would gut out his addiction for six months, or a year, then slip up again. Meanwhile, the anger and resentment built up in Megan.

“At one point, I was so angry with him that I wanted him to die,” Megan said. “I thought, please God, just take him off the face of the earth. It hurt so bad.” A natural optimist, Megan found herself at times wanting to “curl up in the closet and cry all day.”

The cycle went on for 14 years, and it hurt worse each time.

A hipper world

But did it have to?

There is a younger, hipper world out there, one steeped in Shades of Grey and Sex in the City — a world where the Huffington Post reports that sadomasochists are surprisingly well-adjusted, Oprah guests encourage wives to embrace their husband’s porn, and youngsters wear “future porn star” t-shirts.

Pamela Paul explored this world for her 2006 book, Pornified, interviewing over 100 users and their partners to uncover porn’s role in post-Internet America. Now the editor of the New York Times Review of Books, Paul found that often the woman’s answer to her partner’s porn was to join in or look the other way. Surveys show that only about 30 percent of American women view any porn use by their partner as cheating. Couldn’t Megan simply free Tom of his guilt?

Torn apart

Whether porn is objectively harmful is a question that has sharply split professional and public opinion. Even feminists are flummoxed. Widespread use among seemingly healthy people offers a patina of legitimacy, and every obscure state college seems to employ a “sexologist” who is casually confident that it’s all good.

But hard data and solid clinical research are hard to come by, and beneath the widespread acceptance of pornography are lurking questions.

The gold standard of human research is the “randomized controlled trial” that assigns untainted subjects to “treatment” groups or “control” groups. In the early 1980s Dolf Zillman and Jennings Bryant, prominent media effects researchers at the University of Alabama, conducted several such experiments to see how porn affects perceptions and preferences.

Those studies could not be repeated today — partly because human subjects committees won’t allow researchers to do potentialy harmful projects anymore, but also because it would be difficult to find a big enough control group that hasn’t been exposed to porn. A 2008 study, for example, found that 86 percent of male college students had viewed pornography in the past year, and 48 percent viewed it at least weekly.

But in the early 1980s, when porn came in brown wrappers in the mail or required a trip to an adult video store, blank slate control groups could still be found.

In one study, published in 1988, Zillman and Bryant showed 160 randomly chosen subjects one hour of mainstream porn per week, stretched over six weeks, for a total of six hours. The films invovled a semblance of plot, so the actual sexual content was 4 hours and 48 minutes.

The researchers called it “massive exposure” at the time, an indication of how things have changed. Today, the American Society of Addiction Medicine marks pornography addiction at 11 hours per week.

The results of the study were striking. The treatment group expressed views markedly more hostile toward children, marriage, relationship trust and women in general, compared to a control group that watched sitcoms.

The porn group was 47 percent more tolerant of extramarital affairs, 47 percent more likely to think other people’s spouses were unfaithful, and 48 percent more inclined to take or tolerate sexual liberties in their own relationships.

Sixty percent of the sitcom control group saw marriage as a vital institution, against just 39 percent of the porn group. The porn group was 41 percent less likely to want their own biological children. And women in the porn group were 65 percent less likely to want a daughter, a finding that caught the researchers completely off guard.

Why the dramatic attitude shifts? Porn’s message is that “sexual pleasures can be experienced without freedom-curtailing emotional involvement or commitment,” Zillman and Bryant wrote. These attitudes, they suggested, “could undermine the values necessary to form enduring relationships in which sexuality, and possibly reproduction, are central.”

In a related experiment, replicated at least once, the porn-exposed group was asked to assign a prison sentence to a fictional rape convict. Both men and women in the porn group offered prison terms half as long as those chosen by their respective control groups. For whatever reason, rape was viewed less harshly after exposure to porn.

Tom had never seen this line of research, but he was not surprised. When he was using porn, Tom felt at odds with himself, torn apart, as if the person he meant to be was incompatible with the one he was becoming. Psycholgists call such stress “cognitive dissonance.”

Mood swings

Elsewhere in the Salt Lake area, another couple, Jill and Paul, was going through a dissonance similar to Megan and Tom’s in many respects.

Jill had always known that Paul had issues with intimacy. Paul’s mom had died when he was 12, and his dad was distant and cold. “The only time we spoke of my mother’s death was when he woke me and told me that she had died at the hospital that night,” Paul said. “He never spoke of it again.”

Paul had become addicted to porn about the time his mother died. Porn became his crutch, his medicine, his comfort. After marrying Jill when they were both 24, Paul continued using porn, hiding it.

“I always knew something was wrong,” Jill explained, “but I also knew what he had been through. I attributed his erratic behavior to that trauma and thought if I hung in there it would get better.”

A total stranger

It didn’t. Before Paul reached rock bottom, he had begun intermittently trolling online “hookup sites” and meeting up with real women. He did this every few years. He would then recoil and the cycle would repeat. Porn and infidelity blended seamlessly for Paul. The same tastes, the same websites, the same people.

Jill found a conversation on his computer with one of his liaisons one day. She hadn’t even been looking. But there it was. “I felt like I had been living with a total stranger,” she said, “after all those years, I suddenly realized I had no idea who this person was or what he was doing.”

They sought out a marriage counselor. After a few months, they quit. “There was the illusion that we had made progress,” Jill said.

The meltdown came two years later, in 2007. Oddly enough, it wasn’t porn that directly sparked it. It was their 24th wedding anniversary, which Paul neglected on the same day that he bought a farewell present for a departing female associate. What he didn’t know was that for Jill this anniversary was a mental milestone: her parents had divorced after 24 years of difficult marriage.

The fight that night was epic. Both awoke the next morning assuming the marriage was over. But Paul by now had formed a pretty good notion that he was an porn addict, and the first therapist he spoke with recommended a porn-addiction support group.

Group therapy

That’s how both couples ended up at Lifestar, a Utah-based sex-addiction recovery program with a national reach. The program is roughly akin to the 12-step program developed by Alcoholics Anonymous, but with key differences tailored to porn addiction.

Megan went into the group therapy thinking she was doing it for Tom, but she soon found that she needed it for herself. The women in her group formed a strong bond, she said, and they still get together once a month for lunch.

There were bumps and pain along the way, and without the group the jolts are much harder, Jill said. “When you think you are not going to make it, or you think you are not making progress, that group is there and they can see differently.”

In the group they learned about addiction, pain, coping with pain, healing the wounds and filling the empty spaces of both partners.

“It isn’t at its core really about sex,” Jill said.

Cognitive tools

The couples developed cognitive tools for the addiction and relationship tools for creating safety. “I need to be able to express fears without evoking anger,” Megan said, “and he has to be able to ’fess up to a slip without provoking backlash.”

They learned about triggers. “With heroin, you have to find a drug dealer. Alcohol, you have to find an outlet,” Paul said, “But here, there are triggers everywhere. Billboards, magazines — everywhere.”

They learned about boundaries. Now when Tom he enters a hotel room, the first thing he does is unhook the TV and hide the remote. He never watches TV in hotels. As for the computer, he never surfs now. He uses the computer only for specific purposes.

There’s been three years of sobriety for Tom. It’s been five years for Paul. He and Jill have had a few rocky moments, including one spat that separated them for two months. But the lapses faded, and the recovery has been strong.

Both men have to watch triggers and maintain boundaries, but both feel that it is not all that different, in the end, from the need to control other appetites or passions that damage health or relationships.

Better people

Megan knew Tom was healing when the tension disappeared. “It was such a gradual thing that I didn’t realize how bad it was until he was back to who he once was,” she said.

“Not only is he the man I married again, but he’s also stronger than he ever was when we first met,” Megan said. The patience and even temper are back, she said, and “he is actually a better communicator than he was before.”

“The two things that did it were Lifestar and an understanding of Jesus Christ,” Megan said. Paul and Jill also turned to faith to push them through, becoming highly active in their community Christian church. Paul is now studying to become a lay minister.

Megan says she has gained compassion for people who struggle with depression. “I have now had a taste of darkness like I never want to taste again,” she said.

Both couples have since been active in sharing their experiences with other groups, other couples seeking healing, and both the women feel that they have changed for the better through the trial.

Neither woman puts a happy face on their experience, but both honestly seem to believe that they are better people for it.

“I would not go back to who I was before this experience with my husband, because I’m a better and stronger person,” Megan said.

“I reached a point in the program where I was thankful my husband had this addiction,” Jill said, “because otherwise how would I have learned so much about myself?”

 

Eric Schulzke writes on national politics for the Deseret News. He can be contacted at [email protected].

What is Pornography?

Posted at May 15th, 2013
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Categories: Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, General Sexual Addiction, Marriage, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Protecting Families from Pornography, Shame, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment, Trauma and pornography addiction
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What is Pornography…

As a therapist that specializes in pornography addiction I am constantly asked
the question “what is pornography?” Many people would think that the answer is
really simple, however, after working with couples that are battling pornography
addiction the answer can sometimes be complicated.

The dictionary defines pornography as “creative activity (writing or pictures or
films etc.) of no literary or artistic value other than to stimulate sexual desire.” This
definition is actually very helpful and requires rigorous honesty for an addict. When
an addict learns to evaluate how his body is affected by anything they are exposed
to they reach a new level of recovery. Further, an addict will be in a better position
to be sensitive to their spouse and work on choosing healthy ways to deal with it
together.

In the early stages of recovery it is common for many addicts to spend unnecessary
energy trying to define what porn is. Typically when an addict is doing this they
are simply engaging in damage control rather than rigorous honesty about what
is happening in their body, marriage and their recovery. For example, I have
met with many men who exposed themselves to things that were not sexually
explicit or even graphic, and yet their body was stimulated sexually. Usually they
will not report this as a slip because they are afraid of losing their sobriety, or
fearful of what their spouse/group will think. Some are afraid that they will have
consequences from their ecclesiastical leader. In all of those cases that person is
making a decision based on fear, and their effectiveness in recovery is limited. Many
addicts languish in this type of decision making, and have what Geoff Steurer calls
a constant “low grade fever” that can eventually spike into some type of sexually
acting out behavior. Addicts also miss an opportunity to learn how to be connected
to themselves and their spouse when they focus on doing damage control by
minimizing what they saw and its affect on them.

If you have found yourself responding in this way there is a better way. Accepting
that your body is wired to have responses to sexual stimulus, and also that because
of addiction sometimes that response is unique. Accepting that you will strengthen
your recovery by developing awareness of your body’s responses and learning
how to manage your addiction in a connected way will be a turning point in
your recovery in which you will have greater power to protect yourself and your
marriage.

The following example will serve as a guide in helping you to learn how to start.
A client I was working with recently shared how he gained greater power in his
recovery. He shared that he was at work one day with some time to kill. Things
were slow, which made him uneasy and nervous about being able to provide for
his family. Time to kill, and nerves are not a good combination for this particular
client. He decided to check the news. As he looked back he recognized that his

body became tense as he read the news. He pretended to forget that “checking
the news” was a ritual in his addiction cycle. As he scrolled down the main page of
the website, his attention was caught on images of women that were immodestly
dressed. His body immediately sped up. He clicked on one of the images, and in his
mind he thought “after all, it isn’t like I am on a porn site!” The next page had even
more images of immodestly dressed women. “None of them are naked, and I am just
appreciating a woman’s true beauty” he thought. His body, and addiction continued
to speed up. Just then his wife called him. He snapped out of it. His wife noticed that
his attention was somewhere else. Her body begins to tighten and speed up. She
begins asking questions, trying to be trusting, needing to be protected. Husband
tries to distract her by apologizing and trying harder to pay attention. Disconnection
grows. Wife’s body speeds up, and mind begins racing. Husband finds a reason to get
off the phone, feeling numb. Wife is spiraling, and trying to be trusting at the same
time. My client described the rest of the day at work as a struggle. As he reflected
on the whole incident, he was battling inside himself about whether he had crossed
his bottom lines or not. Part of him felt that he definitely had; yet he had not viewed
sexually explicit images so logically he had not crossed his bottom lines. He knew
his wife was tense, and he knew he was the only one who could make her safe again.
He decided to report this as a slip. He went home, and immediately went to his wife
“I have a slip to report” he said. Her body immediately soothes, she doesn’t have to
fight to get it out of him. Maybe she can begin to truly trust him. He tells her about the
deadly combo of time to kill with anxiety and the news site. He calls it a slip. His body
calms, the inner turmoil is gone, and he begins to feel better. He apologizes for zoning
out with her while on the phone. They begin talking about his anxiety and both of
them feel closer, and more connected. He has greater power in his recovery and has
kept his marriage safe.

This example can serve as a guide to strengthening your recovery and your
marriage. I encourage you to reach out and talk about how you have noticed your
body speed up when you are exposed to pornography, in all of its forms.

Exercise:

Fearless Inventory- Please list websites/material that you visit that you can be
curious about or that perhaps you have viewed viewed/read things that you have
justified as not being “porn.”

_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Have these sites/images had more effect on your addiction than you have realized?
If so, please discuss what your learning about with your spouse, group or therapist.

Being open

Posted at December 20th, 2012
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - - - - - - -
Categories: Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, Disclosure, General Sexual Addiction, Marriage, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Protecting Families from Pornography, Shame, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
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Steven and Rhyl Croshaw share why it’s important to be open and compassionate while addressing the issues of pornography and sexual addiction.

 

 

Does Your Marriage Need a Boost?

Posted at December 20th, 2012
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - - - - - - -
Categories: Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, Marriage, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
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We are starting our first-ever Marriage Recovery workshop for couples who want to do more focused work to strengthen their marriage in the recovery process. This is more than just an informational workshop. We will work with couples to help them practice skills and discuss what they’re learning with each other and the other couples. The workshops will be held once per month and will cover six different topics. We will repeat the six topics twice per year. Couples, who have completed LifeSTAR Phase 1, can attend any of the six in any order, according to their specific recovery needs. Here are the six topics we’ll be covering in the upcoming months:

January 4 - The recovering marriage: his, hers, and ours

February 8 - Handling a slip as a couple

March 1 - Holding your partner’s pain in recovery

April 5 - Physical intimacy in recovery

May 3 - Connecting emotionally and spiritually in recovery

June 7 - Preventing burnout in couples recovery

 

The cost for each 2-hour workshop is $75 per couple. Please call 435-688-2123 to reserve your spot. Limited to 12 couples.

Managing emotional triggers through the holidays

Posted at November 14th, 2012
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - - - - - -
Categories: Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
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Amy Cluff, LifeSTAR therapist, shares thoughts on how partners of those who struggle with pornography addiction can manage their emotional triggers through the holidays.

A woman’s plimsoll line

Posted at September 12th, 2012
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - - - -
Categories: Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
1 Comment »

“A Woman’s Plimsoll Line”

by Floyd Godfrey, LPC LifeSTAR – Mesa, Arizona

The “Plimsoll Line” was invented by Samuel Plimsoll. Sometimes sailors will call it the “waterline.” It is a simple marker on the side of naval ships, indicating the limit to which a ship may be loaded. The Plimsoll line is adjusted on each boat depending upon its makeup, and also for specific water types and temperatures. Temperature impacts where the marker is placed because warm water provides less buoyancy, being less dense than cold water. Salt water also impacts where the marker is placed, because fresh water is less dense than salty seawater.

The purpose of a Plimsoll Line is to ensure that a ship will stay afloat. All captains must know the limitations of their ship. Without this knowledge, an inexperienced captain endangers his crew and cargo. All commercial ships are required by law have the Plimsoll Line symbol painted on each side of the ship. This protects the public’s safety. This symbol must also be permanently marked, so that if the paint wears off it remains visible. The load line makes it easy for anyone to determine if a ship has been overloaded.

Below is an example of the “Plimsoll Line” drawn on the side of a commercial ship.

Most women will struggle finding out about their husband’s sexual addiction and behaviors. The information about his infidelity can be traumatic. She can feel overwhelmed and “loaded up” with heavy cargo. Her own personal “Plimsoll Line” is uniquely her own. Metaphorically, this would refer to her ability to “stay afloat” amidst the trauma of what is going on. Her ability to emotionally handle the situation will be different than other women. Just like naval ships have different factors determining where the line is drawn, there are many different factors that contribute to a woman’s ability to work through trauma. Such factors could include childhood events, history of abuse, age, physical health, ability to self-care, mental health, financial distress and family cohesion.

Because each woman is unique, her Plimsoll line will be unique. What one woman can tolerate will be different than another woman. However, the line is there; when she is overloaded beyond her capacity she will capsize. When she capsizes, it will look like trauma response. Women should be cautious NOT to compare themselves to other women, as every woman is unique in this regard.

What is a woman to do? Work toward self-awareness, which will give her insight toward important self-care items. Consider areas of physical attention: sufficient sleep, healthy eating, exercise, hygiene, etc. Consider areas of spiritual connection: church activity, scripture study, prayer, etc. Consider areas that personally energize: hobbies, friends, activities, music, clubs, counseling, etc. Working toward self-care in these areas will help her prevent capsizing. When a woman feels ready to “capsize,” she must slow down, get support, engage self-care, and find balance.

What is an addict to do for his wife? Demonstrate patience and practice safety. When his wife is upset, she may be exhibiting a trauma reaction. Recognize it as such, and work for understanding and validation. Practice the “safe language” outlined in workbook nine of LifeSTAR, and learn to recognize YOUR wife’s response by doing the exercises. Remember that her healing may take time, and it can only occur when the relationship is safe. How do you develop a “safe” relationship? Needless to say, your sobriety will go a long way in creating safety. However, even when you slip your honesty and transparency help your wife feel safer with you. Sharing with her the tools you utilize in your recovery will also help.

Don’t expect that a woman’s trauma response will go away just because a man is sober. It takes time. You must patiently walk with her. This may require your own self-care. Does her trauma response trigger faulty core beliefs? If so, a man must slow down, get support, use his own tools, engage his own self-care, and find balance.

In summary, be aware of the “Plimsoll Line.” Don’t overload. To stay committed to your recovery doesn’t always mean a woman must be tough-enough. Sometimes it means she must be smart-enough to know her limitations!

 

New LifeSTAR Phase 3 Women’s Group

Posted at February 14th, 2012
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - - -
Categories: Partners of pornography addicts, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
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Recovery Apps

Posted at January 17th, 2012
Posted by Geoff Steurer
Tags: - - - -
Categories: Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, self-care, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment
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Even though smartphones and tablet devices are capable of delivering harmful content, such as pornography, they can also arm recovering men, women, and couples with powerful tools to help them along in their journey.

We recognize that many individuals in early recovery choose to rid themselves of smartphones and tablet devices to reduce accessibility to pornography. This article in no way suggests that these apps (or the devices that run them) are necessary for successful recovery.

If you’re already using a smartphone or tablet, then we want to give you more tools and resources to help strengthen your efforts.

There are thousands of apps to help you enhance your recovery goals. Recovery categories can include: fitness, reading, healthy eating, money management, and so on. Here are a few of our favorites:

My Fitness Pal is a calorie tracking program that makes losing weight a lifestyle change instead of a passing fad. Using MyFitnessPal is very simple. Here’s how their basic process works: Based on your fitness profile, they will recommend a daily net calorie target for you to achieve your weight loss (or gain) goals. As you eat and exercise throughout the day, you need to log your meals and exercise in the Food and Exercise diaries. MyFitnessPal will calculate the number of calories you’ve consumed and burned from exercise and let you know how many calories you have left to eat for the day. If you stick within your calorie limits, you should achieve the weight loss you’re looking for. The best part of the system is that logging gets easier the more you do it. MyFitnessPal remembers the foods and exercises you like most and makes it easy for you to add those items to your diary. In just a few days, logging can be as fast as 30 seconds — it’s literally that easy. That’s it! Just a few minutes a day can show you so much about what you’re eating and how that impacts your health.

 

With Hazelden’s mobile applications, you’ll find the instant motivation you need to strengthen your recovery and inspire personal growth no matter where you are. From apps based on their best-selling books that feature special enhancements like texts and video messages from the authors to those based on their best-selling meditation books, Hazelden mobile applications are there when you need them most, at the touch of your fingertips. Some of their most popular apps include Brene Brown’s “Gifts of Imperfection”, their daily affirmation books for both men and women, and their day at a time series.

 

 

Dr. John Gottman is known as one of the preeminent researchers on marriage and family relationships. He has developed a series of apps to help strengthen marriages and families. Some of our favorites include: “Your Child’s Love Map“, “Fun and Play“, “Open-ended Questions“, and “I Feel.”

These applications are based on more than 30 years of research on strengthening marriages and families. Learning how to access the emotional world of yourself, your partner, and your children is one of the most satisfying parts of life!

 

There are several apps designed to help provide spiritual strength on a daily basis. There are apps for members of the LDS faith, Protestant faiths, and so on. Reading scriptures, sermons, and listening to sacred music has never been more convenient. Many individuals in recovery report that having regular access to these spiritual resources helps them get refocused on what’s most important in their lives.

 

 

S-Recovery helps you recover from sex addiction or porn addiction. This is an added tool to help you live your life without addictive sex or pornography. What’s more, S-Recovery was created by two therapists who specialize in treating sex and porn addiction. With S-Recovery, you can…
• Easily track your number of days in recovery, reminding yourself of your progress.
• Set recovery goals for yourself that are easy to record and track.
• Graphically see patterns and correlations between your healthy activities, your moods, emotions, and desire to engage in addictive or compulsive behavior.
• Learn how healthy activities improve your mood and decrease triggers.
• Set attainable goals.
• Stay in recovery by reminding yourself why you are doing it and what you have to lose.
• Allow technology to help with recovery, rather than making it more difficult.
• Help protect your confidentiality with password protection.
• Easily keep track of your recovery time and navigate to daily logs.
• Rate your mood and emotions daily. Also rate your acting-out risk level.
• S-Recovery’s Graph function enables you to see connections between your mood, emotions, and risk level over time.
•Enter a picture of someone who inspires you to be in recovery. Also enter names, goals, ideas of other inspirations.

The North Face® Trailhead App finds trails, hikes, bike routes and more based on your location. You can even search by activity and length. Whether you’ve selected an existing trip or started a new one, Trailhead tracks your route, distance, speed and elevation in real-time.
•Search from over 300,000 trails, hikes and bike routes.
•Find trips by activity, length and location
•Track your route with a real-time interactive map via GPS
•View your distance, speed, elevation and more