by Geoff Steurer, MS, LMFT
Founder and Director
LifeStar of St. George, UT
I regularly meet with men who tell me they have given up pornography and sexual acting for good and have no intentions of going back. They share how they’ve moved from darkness to light. They talk about the mighty change in their heart. I have no doubt they’re experiencing changes in their thoughts, feelings, and intentions.
However, their wives are full of doubt.
One minute he admits to having a secret life filled with sexual behaviors and the next minute he tells her he’s healed and never going back to that life. She’s wondering what happened in-between those two very distant points on the continuum.
This scenario reminds me of when I was in school doing math problems and trying convince my math teacher that I really did know the answer to the math problem, even though I wasn’t showing my work on paper. For all she knew, I was looking up the answer in the back of the book or using a calculator. No matter how hard I tried to convince her I knew how to do algebra, she wanted to see my work.
A betrayed wife needs to know how her husband moved from a life of secrets and addiction to a life of integrity. She wants to see evidence of his journey. This is critical so she can trust what she sees in front of her.
Not only does she need to see his work, but he also needs to know he can do the work. I believe in miracles and I believe that the change of heart is the first miracle that gives a man the power to face his story and make the necessary physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, and relational changes necessary for long-term recovery. However, I don’t believe that one change of heart is enough to sustain any man in long-term recovery without him doing additional work.
Since there are no shortcuts with true recovery, showing how he went from addiction to recovery shouldn’t be difficult if he’s really doing the work. If he can’t show his work, then he’s not doing the work.
He can show his work by reaching out and opening up about his process. He can talk about what he’s learning in therapy, group therapy, 12-step meetings, his readings, and meetings with his church leader. He can show his work by interacting differently with his wife, children, and family members. His priorities will change as he spends less time in front of the TV or computer and more time in healthy living. If things look and feel the same as they did when he was active in his addiction, even though he says he’s changed, he’s not going to convince anyone until he can show his work.
Like a good math teacher, a good recovery program will help a man break down his recovery into manageable steps so he can know what he’s doing, how he’s doing it, and how to maintain it for life. He’ll also learn how to reach out to his wife and other supports to show his work. Recovery is not a mystery. It’s possible because of measurable steps taken every day to build a life of integrity and connection.
Hi Geoff,
Great article. I would like to read this to my groups at Lifestar Sacramento. I also want my guys to really understand the why and value of doing the work. When the shift from external motivation, ie doing recovery because she says I have to, to internal motivation, I want to fundamentally change myself,happens, then I have alot of hope for the outcomes. Thanks again for all of your great insights over these years of doing this work.
George
I got involved wuth a man who is addicted to porn. The 1st 6 minths ge didnt have a cell phone so it took me longer to get susoicious. He got a new cell phone & then tge houdinis started about a year into tge relationship. After 1 yr & 4 months of my asking him where hewas gettung his thrills, he confessed ge was usibg porn. I knew I felt left out & like something was missing/ going on gut/heartwrenching feeling like he was cheating on me, but he claims it was porn. Either way, i felt vetrayed bcuz he was going somewhere other than me. to get fulfillment was all i needed to kno to feel like less of a woman to begin with. I gave himn2 more years of my kife abd it got progressively worse instead of vetter so I detached myself & gave up on him. He was vervally abusive too. Saddest thing ive EVER experienced in my ENTIRE life..
Dear Geoff,
I appreciate the article. Thank you for writing it. I went through a divorce 7 years ago. Pornography was one of the issues we were facing. I had not allowed myself to be exposed to pornography until my mid-twenties. It was very damaging to my married relationship and it has damaged my life. At the time, I was visiting with my church advisor, had visited with a therapist that was supported by my church (LDS Family Services), and I was attending the Addiction Recovery Program sponsored by the church which was implementing the Twelve Step Program. I was involved in that process for months to years, during, and unfortunately, after my divorce. There were many things that made me want to change permanently, for good. The knowledge of what I had done, the pain of hurting someone, the loss of my wife, the loss of my daughter, the shame I brought upon myself, the embarrassment upon my family, but most importantly, the lessons on ‘A Mighty Change of Heart’ and some instruction in an LDS Temple. I try to be active in my church, my work, my daughter’s life, with my family, with some of my interests. But, how can I show that I’ve changed to someone who is new in my life that I care about who went through a divorce after her a difficult pornography related experience?