August 11, 2011

Discussing Pornography with Your Future Son-in-Law
By Geoff Steurer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Director, LifeSTAR of St. George, UT

I clearly remember the lunch appointment with my then future father-in-law to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage. I was a bundle of nerves, but I loved his daughter more than I was afraid to talk with him. I had no idea what questions he might have in store for me. As the lunch progressed, our small talk turned into serious talk as he asked me questions about my career aspirations, my thoughts on parenting, and if I was an Eagle Scout.

I had only met him one previous time when I ate dinner at their house. However, I felt his love and protection for his daughter and wanted to do everything I could to win his confidence and trust. Thankfully, he gave me his full blessing and asked me only one favor: “will you please stop by her mother’s house on your way home and show her the engagement ring?” I...

July 25,2011

The Deseret News recently wrote an excellent article on the new book “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity” by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer. It’s got some great information on how the book provides a clear path to help couples impacted by pornography and sexual addiction.

June 21, 2011

I often speak with parents of young adults about their concerns with their children marrying someone who might have a pornography problem. Many of these parents, especially fathers, wonder if it’s their right to do some investigating to see if their child is dating someone who struggles with pornography. I can certainly understand their concern, as that one specific behavior will have a potentially devastating impact on their child and future grandchildren. There are two main questions to consider here. First, is it the right of the parent to ask a potential in-law if they are struggling with pornography? Second, if it is appropriate, how should they approach this conversation?

I believe that it’s the parent’s privilege to counsel with their adult children’s romantic partners before marriage. However, there is one important factor that will determine how much influence a parent will have in this arena. If the parent has a healthy and mutually...

April 13, 2011

3 Reasons To Beware Of Porn

by Mark Chamberlain, PhD

Today’s twenty-somethings have been exposed to more pornography, and research is showing that they’ve become more accepting of it.

I heard from a young woman the other day who didn’t get why I was anti-porn. “It’s a great way for my fiancé, to meet his needs when I’m not in the mood. I don’t want him to keep bugging me if I’m not into it that night. And he shouldn’t just have to ‘deal’ with frustration, either.”

What’s not to love about porn?

It may seem helpful enough now, but I’m convinced that couples like this will pay a price for their casual acceptance of porn.
I remember when a group named Science in the Public Interest made a stink about an unhealthy, formerly unpublicized, very tasty ingredient in movie theater popcorn: Coconut oil.

Problem is it will clog our arteries for the same reason we keep going back for...

The Terrible Effects of Sex Addiction

March 15, 2011

Porn Derails Deep Relationship Instincts

by Mark Chamberlain, PhD – Co-Author: “Love You, Hate the Porn”
Clinical Director of ARCH (www.archcounseling.com)

Want to bond with another human being? Here are your instructions: read and reciprocate. Read a signal from them (rather than ignoring it), then reciprocate by sending a signal of your own (rather than doing your own thing, independently of what they just did). Read and reciprocate, It’s as simple as that.

Oh yeah, there is one more ingredient: repeat.

So, let’s put it all together, here goes: read, reciprocate, times ten thousand. Okay, that might take a while. But it will be worth it. Once you’ve put in the reps, you’ll have built a strong bond.

Not only did I not make these instructions up, I didn’t even need to tell them to you. We don’t learn to connect with our closest loved ones in this way, we do it instinctively. We mastered the skill in infancy and...

Recovery from sexual addiction is a complex process that begins with accepting the invitation to start a journey without knowing who we can reach to along the way.  The first obstacle that seems almost insurmountable is facing the fear of disappointing people, especially our loved ones, when we tell them our story. We are absolutely convinced that if we tell our stories the weight of it will be so heavy that it will push people away. We fear that we will be totally defined by our addiction.  The feelings we experience that disconnect us from others and ultimately keep us in hiding exemplify shame.

Managing shame is key to addiction recovery because it stops us from telling our story and experiencing real relationships. Sexual addiction is defined by replacing real relationships with false ones. Reaching to false relationships when we are in pain quickly becomes the dominant pattern in our lives, locking out the real...