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Discussing Pornography with Your Future Son-in-Law

August 11, 2011

Discussing Pornography with Your Future Son-in-Law
By Geoff Steurer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Director, LifeSTAR of St. George, UT

I clearly remember the lunch appointment with my then future father-in-law to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage. I was a bundle of nerves, but I loved his daughter more than I was afraid to talk with him. I had no idea what questions he might have in store for me. As the lunch progressed, our small talk turned into serious talk as he asked me questions about my career aspirations, my thoughts on parenting, and if I was an Eagle Scout.

I had only met him one previous time when I ate dinner at their house. However, I felt his love and protection for his daughter and wanted to do everything I could to win his confidence and trust. Thankfully, he gave me his full blessing and asked me only one favor: “will you please stop by her mother’s house on your way home and show her the engagement ring?” I...

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Book Shows Path To Healing

July 25,2011

The Deseret News recently wrote an excellent article on the new book “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity” by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer. It’s got some great information on how the book provides a clear path to help couples impacted by pornography and sexual addiction.

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Should I ask my daughter's fiance if he looks at pornography?

June 21, 2011

I often speak with parents of young adults about their concerns with their children marrying someone who might have a pornography problem. Many of these parents, especially fathers, wonder if it’s their right to do some investigating to see if their child is dating someone who struggles with pornography. I can certainly understand their concern, as that one specific behavior will have a potentially devastating impact on their child and future grandchildren. There are two main questions to consider here. First, is it the right of the parent to ask a potential in-law if they are struggling with pornography? Second, if it is appropriate, how should they approach this conversation?

I believe that it’s the parent’s privilege to counsel with their adult children’s romantic partners before marriage. However, there is one important factor that will determine how much influence a parent will have in this arena. If the parent has a healthy and mutually...

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3 Reasons to Beware of Porn

April 13, 2011

3 Reasons To Beware Of Porn

by Mark Chamberlain, PhD

Today’s twenty-somethings have been exposed to more pornography, and research is showing that they’ve become more accepting of it.

I heard from a young woman the other day who didn’t get why I was anti-porn. “It’s a great way for my fiancé, to meet his needs when I’m not in the mood. I don’t want him to keep bugging me if I’m not into it that night. And he shouldn’t just have to ‘deal’ with frustration, either.”

What’s not to love about porn?

It may seem helpful enough now, but I’m convinced that couples like this will pay a price for their casual acceptance of porn.
I remember when a group named Science in the Public Interest made a stink about an unhealthy, formerly unpublicized, very tasty ingredient in movie theater popcorn: Coconut oil.

Problem is it will clog our arteries for the same reason we keep going back for...

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Porn Derails Deep Relationship Instincts

March 15, 2011

Porn Derails Deep Relationship Instincts

by Mark Chamberlain, PhD – Co-Author: “Love You, Hate the Porn
Clinical Director of ARCH (www.archcounseling.com)

Want to bond with another human being? Here are your instructions: read and reciprocate. Read a signal from them (rather than ignoring it), then reciprocate by sending a signal of your own (rather than doing your own thing, independently of what they just did). Read and reciprocate, It’s as simple as that.

Oh yeah, there is one more ingredient: repeat.

So, let’s put it all together, here goes: read, reciprocate, times ten thousand. Okay, that might take a while. But it will be worth it. Once you’ve put in the reps, you’ll have built a strong bond.

Not only did I not make these instructions up, I didn’t even need to tell them to you. We don’t learn to connect with our closest loved ones in this way, we do it instinctively. We mastered the skill in infancy and...

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Article on Sex Addiction in Boston Globe

Those facing sex addiction get help
Boston Globe – Boston, Mass.
Author: Bella English
Date:   Feb 16, 2010

Men and women crowd into a basement room, sharing sofas or pulling chairs around. Some pour soda and munch on cookies and chips. The meeting is called to order.

“My name is Jeff, and I’m a sex addict,” states a middle-aged man in a crisp blue shirt and khakis.

“Hi, Jeff!” comes the cheery group response.

So begins the weekly meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) in a church west of Boston. Most of the 50 men and women here are professionals. There are a few students and retirees. They’re well-dressed, earnest, and polite. This could be a meeting to save the rain forest. But what they’re trying to save is themselves.

Tiger Woods’s admission of infidelity has cast a spotlight on treatment for sexual addiction. Though some believe the term is an excuse for men behaving badly, there is a growing...

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Reach Out or Act Out

By: Jeffrey J. Ford, MS, LMFT

Recovery from sexual addiction is a complex process that begins with accepting the invitation to start a journey without knowing who we can reach to along the way.  The first obstacle that seems almost insurmountable is facing the fear of disappointing people, especially our loved ones, when we tell them our story. We are absolutely convinced that if we tell our stories the weight of it will be so heavy that it will push people away. We fear that we will be totally defined by our addiction.  The feelings we experience that disconnect us from others and ultimately keep us in hiding exemplify shame.

Managing shame is key to addiction recovery because it stops us from telling our story and experiencing real relationships. Sexual addiction is defined by replacing real relationships with false ones. Reaching to false relationships when we are in pain quickly becomes the dominant pattern in our lives, locking out the real...

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What do teenagers affected by pornography have to say?

This video produced by Enough is Enough has some startling confessions by teenagers, both boys and girls, who have been affected by their use of pornography. One young man says that because the girls he gets with won’t act like porn stars, it makes him feel less manly, as if he was doing something wrong to not get them to act that way. This is why I am so adamant in spreading the word that pornography is not sex education. It’s sex MIS-education.


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New Year's Resolutions, Like Recovery, Take Commitment!

By Sandi Burningham, LCP, CSAC
LifeSTAR Therapist

It is once again that unique time of year in which we have the opportunity to both review and reflect on the year past as well as to ponder and prepare for the year to come. In the focal point of this transition, many choose to set goals or resolutions for the year to come. In fact, for many of you, recovery may have even started in a fashion similar to this. While some see New Year’s resolutions as a set-up for failure or just some fly-by-night, fanciful thinking, others structure and utilize resolutions effectively to achieve the desires of their hearts. When structured and utilized effectively, resolutions have the potential to result in great and long-lasting rewards. Yet, as with so many other things in life, the level of reward and satisfaction associated with achieving resolutions is directly correlated to the level of commitment and effort invested.

Therefore, it might be helpful at this time to...

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