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How Pornography Destroys Your Sex Life

How porn is destroying modern sex lives: Feminist writer Naomi Wolf has an unsettling explanation for why Britons are having less sex
By Naomi Wolf

  • Couples are having 20% less sex than they did just ten years ago
  • Wolf connects this to the rise of pornography
  • Porn poses health problems…
  • It desensitizes those who watch it and has long-term consequences
  • As a result, it has a negative effect on sex and relationships

These days, I am rarely surprised when, after a lecture or book signing, someone will try to talk to me about their addiction to porn and ask where he or she can get help. As an author and feminist social commentator, I often discuss my work at events and meet a wide spectrum of people who talk to me about sex, relationships and, more increasingly, the impact of pornography on their lives. There is no stereotype of what this person will look like. A man in his 60s has asked me if I think his porn addiction accounts for his...

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Holiday Recipes for Relapse and Recovery by Forest Benedict MS, SAPT-C LifeSTAR the Central Valley

The holidays can be a challenging time for all of us, especially those in recovery. An increase in sugary, fatty foods, plus a decrease in structure, combined with a mixture of family chaos, can quickly become a recipe for relapse. Despite the many challenges of sustaining recovery in this season, there are essential strategies that will help you maintain momentum and enjoy the peace and joy that may be possible throughout the holidays. Here are 5 ingredients that will not only help you avoid relapse but also lead you through a more enjoyable holiday experience that moves your recovery progress forward.

Recipe for Recovery

  1. Remain committed. Remember, while you may be on vacation from your work responsibilities, you are not on vacation from your values or your recovery work. Maintain your “Dailies” and self-care, so that you can stay on track emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Starting with morning inspiration and ending with...
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Recovery Myths Dispelled

Myths Dispelled
by Shay

 On January 2, 2013, a four hour conversation with my husband changed my life forever.  I knew within the first 10 minutes that our marriage hung by a thread and whether or not we made it, was primarily up to him.  That was the night that it became clear that my husband’s “porn problem” was actually an addiction.

For us, the diagnosis of addiction also brought us direction and resources.  For the first time in our 16 years of marriage, we realized that the years of madness and Insanity actually showed cycles and patterns.  In the months that followed, we isolated ourselves in a world of recovery and spent every spare second of our days reading books, blogs and forums.  We found therapists, 12 step groups and group therapies.  We learned that this addiction has very little to do with pornography and everything to do with Internalized Shame.  As my husband...

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Six people who don't need to hear your shame story

While I’m not a huge fan of Oprah, I do think Brene Brown has some points worth considering. She does a great job explaining what kinds of people with whom we should share our “shame story.” We all have shame and we have all done things we are terrified to share with others (however big or small). I agree with Brene that we should be careful who we tell. As she has said previously, telling the wrong person can turn them into a piece of flying debris in our already swirling tornado. It’s critical that men and women in recovery talk openly with safe people about their struggles. It’s even more critical that they carefully choose who they tell. Recovery is hard enough when you have good support. Trying to recovery while managing the poor boundaries of others is even harder.


When something shameful happens in your life, shame and vulnerability researcher Dr. Brené Brown says, there are six types of people with whom you...

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Protecting Children and Families from Pornography and Harmful Media

 by Geoff Steurer, MS, LMFT
Founder and Director
LifeStar of St. George, Utah

The Washington Times recently reported that about 80% of children exposed to pornography actually encounter it in their own homes.  Some may be frightened by this report, however, I choose to see it as an opportunity to better protect my children.


There is so much we can do as parents to protect our children from the impact of pornography. However, most parents don’t know where to start, or, worse, aren’t paying attention.


Our children are at great risk of being exposed to the fraudulent messages of pornography, which include sexual mis-education, violence, exaggerated body types, and other gross distortions.


We need both “high-tech” and “low-tech” solutions to these challenges.  High-tech solutions include learning more about the ways children can electronically access pornography and how to stay on top of the...

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Rebuilding Trust After Sexual Betrayal

by Geoff Steurer, MS, LMFT
Founder and Director
LifeStar of St. George, UT

I regularly meet with men who tell me they have given up pornography and sexual acting for good and have no intentions of going back. They share how they’ve moved from darkness to light. They talk about the mighty change in their heart. I have no doubt they’re experiencing changes in their thoughts, feelings, and intentions.

However, their wives are full of doubt.

One minute he admits to having a secret life filled with sexual behaviors and the next minute he tells her he’s healed and never going back to that life. She’s wondering what happened in-between those two very distant points on the continuum.

This scenario reminds me of when I was in school doing math problems and trying convince my math teacher that I really did know the answer to the math problem, even though I wasn’t showing my work on paper. For all she knew, I was looking up the answer in the...

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The Drama of Attachment

by Jill Call, AMFT
LifeStar Therapist

“I must be crazy!” A woman recently expressed to me. “I want to love and feel emotionally safe with my husband at the same time that I want nothing to do with him.” Maybe you’ve felt like this woman – caught between competing feelings of “come close” and “get away.” Well, you’re not crazy. You’re experiencing the pull and drama of attachment.

You may feel “crazy” because you want to push your partner away and yet long for his support and understanding too. This is natural. You are attached to your partner and naturally depend on him for emotional support. What makes this difficult is that, in the case of sexual addiction, he is the source of your pain and so you reflexively want to push him away.

Especially when you have been hurt by your partner’s actions, you might feel this tug-of-war between wanting to protect yourself from the hurt...

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Drama not Trauma

by Noelle Christensen, LPC
LifeStar Therapist

Have you ever expressed your needs to your partner and been told “stop being so dramatic!” If so, it may have felt like the wind was knocked out of you. In fact, what you may have heard instead is something like, “What you are feeling does not matter to me.”

While it may not have been your partner’s intentions to shut down your feelings, the effects are nonetheless painful. You made a commitment to love and cherish your partner, through the good, the bad, and the ugly. At times it may feel that when you are trying to communicate, out of what you believe is a desire to make your relationship better, you may feel rejection and shame in return.

Trauma in relationships that results from pain, betrayal, abuse, and addiction is termed “relational trauma.” Relational trauma results in behaviors that can often be misinterpreted by others as dramatic. Words like codependence,...

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The Burnout Cure - author interview

In our LifeSTAR program we emphasize self-care for both the men and the women as a way to fight addiction and heal trauma. Physical, emotional, and spiritual self-care are essential to help individuals get grounded and do the hard work of recovery. I’ve been reading a new book by therapist Julie de Azevedo Hanks called “The Burnout Cure“, which is basically a self-care manual for overwhelmed women. While it’s written specifically for an LDS audience and addresses some of the unrealistic cultural pressures faced by LDS women, the information in this book is a gold mine for anyone who wants to improve their self-care. I have really enjoyed reading this book and learning new ways to improve my own self-care.

I had a chance to interview Julie about her book and ask some questions that I felt were relevant to individuals involved in our program. Here is the interview:

1. Why should busy women make time to read this book?

Busy women should make...

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Fighting Against Pornography- Part 1

The Broken Windows theory, developed more than 30 years ago, holds that police can stop higher levels of crime by giving more attention to the smaller crimes, such as breaking windows. By emphasizing law and order and a different level of community expectations, crime rates overall can be lowered.

A lot of police and social scientists support this theory today because it was applied with success in New York City and other places where once-soaring crimes rates have declined.

There is no reason the same sort of idea should not be applied with regard to pornography.

To those who understand the harmful effects of pornography — on those who create the images as well as those who consume them — the situation today can seem hopeless, much the same as the situation in a crime-ridden neighborhood. About 40 million Americans visit a pornographic website at least once a month, and a pervasive attitude of indifference seems to be sweeping the land as many people...

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