by Noelle Christensen, LPC
LifeStar Therapist

Have you ever expressed your needs to your partner and been told “stop being so dramatic!” If so, it may have felt like the wind was knocked out of you. In fact, what you may have heard instead is something like, “What you are feeling does not matter to me.”

While it may not have been your partner’s intentions to shut down your feelings, the effects are nonetheless painful. You made a commitment to love and cherish your partner, through the good, the bad, and the ugly. At times it may feel that when you are trying to communicate, out of what you believe is a desire to make your relationship better, you may feel rejection and shame in return.

Trauma in relationships that results from pain, betrayal, abuse, and addiction is termed “relational trauma.” Relational trauma results in behaviors that can often be misinterpreted by others as dramatic. Words like codependence,...

In our LifeSTAR program we emphasize self-care for both the men and the women as a way to fight addiction and heal trauma. Physical, emotional, and spiritual self-care are essential to help individuals get grounded and do the hard work of recovery. I’ve been reading a new book by therapist Julie de Azevedo Hanks called “The Burnout Cure“, which is basically a self-care manual for overwhelmed women. While it’s written specifically for an LDS audience and addresses some of the unrealistic cultural pressures faced by LDS women, the information in this book is a gold mine for anyone who wants to improve their self-care. I have really enjoyed reading this book and learning new ways to improve my own self-care.

I had a chance to interview Julie about her book and ask some questions that I felt were relevant to individuals involved in our program. Here is the interview:

1. Why should busy women make time to read this book?

Busy women should make...

The Broken Windows theory, developed more than 30 years ago, holds that police can stop higher levels of crime by giving more attention to the smaller crimes, such as breaking windows. By emphasizing law and order and a different level of community expectations, crime rates overall can be lowered.

A lot of police and social scientists support this theory today because it was applied with success in New York City and other places where once-soaring crimes rates have declined.

There is no reason the same sort of idea should not be applied with regard to pornography.

To those who understand the harmful effects of pornography — on those who create the images as well as those who consume them — the situation today can seem hopeless, much the same as the situation in a crime-ridden neighborhood. About 40 million Americans visit a pornographic website at least once a month, and a pervasive attitude of indifference seems to be sweeping the land as many people...

Editor’s note: The following story deals with sexually-themed subject matter that will not be appropriate for some readers. Discretion is advised.

This is part two in a four-part series. Read part one: “Ubiquitous assailant: The dangerous unasked questions surrounding pornography“. Read part 3: “Why laws to fight pornography aren’t being used.” Read part four: “How couples break the cycle of addiction.”

NEW YORK — The keys jingled in her hand as Lili Bee walked up the steps to her apartment. The New York air was warm and the trees along her street were finally showing traces of spring.

“Hello!” Lili called out as she shut the front door behind her, not wanting to startle her cleaning lady, who was in the master bedroom.

“Here, I want to show you how I organized the walk-in closet,” the woman said, motioning Lili to follow. “Here’s his tennis racquets, his record...

Editor’s note: The following story deals with sexually-themed subject matter that will not be appropriate for some readers. Discretion is advised.

This is part three in a four-part series. Read part one: “Ubiquitous assailant: The dangerous unasked questions surrounding pornography.” Read part two: “Second-hand porn: the spreading circle of damage.” Read part four: “How couples break the cycle of addiction.”

As she flips through the sex offense cases for the Metropolitan Police in Reykjavik, Iceland, assistant prosecutor Sigridur Hjaltested shakes her head.

A 15-year-old girl pressured into having sex with three boys.

One of the boys was 15. The other two were even younger.

Recently, Hjaltested filed charges in the case of a woman in her 20s who was expecting a sexual encounter with a man in his 30s, yet suddenly the man’s friend showed up and demanded to take part.

The charge was rape using violence and unlawful...

SALT LAKE CITY — With an eye toward both preventing and recovering from the devastating impacts of pornography, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has launched a new website that is based on what one therapist calls “the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”

The website is titled “Overcoming Pornography Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.” Benjamin Erwin, who holds a Ph.D. in marriage and family therapy and who works as a program manager for LDS Family Services, said the site was created as a resource for LDS individuals, families and local ecclesiastical leaders.

“This isn’t the be-all, end-all on dealing with pornography issues and impacts,” said Erwin, who was one of the subject matter experts on the website development team. “But for Latter-day Saints who are either dealing with pornography themselves or in their families or as local church leaders, this is a great place...

Editor’s note: The following story deals with sexually-themed subject matter that will not be appropriate for some readers. Discretion is advised.

This is part four in a four-part series. Read part one: “Ubiquitous assailant: The dangerous unasked questions surrounding pornography.” Read part two: “Second-hand porn: the spreading circle of damage.” Read part 3: “Why laws to fight pornography aren’t being used.”

The worst moment for Megan was not the initial discovery of Tom’s porn habit. That had been tough but she handled it. Fourteen years later, though, Tom was still hooked on pornography, with no end in sight.

Then Megan learned about the strip clubs.

Megan (names have been changed) had developed strong intuition about Tom’s porn use.

“I can tell,” she told Tom. “It’s your temper, short fuse, frustration level with the kids, general irritability. I know that is not your...

Making self-care a priority

By Jon Worlton, LCSW

LifeStar therapist

I recently listened to a prominent religious leader use the analogy of fly fishing when teaching about Satanic efforts to “hook” and destroy human lives. Fly fishermen carefully get to know the habits and patterns of their prey. They design lures to mimic insects that fish are eating and also fish at times when fish are most active and hungry. In short, fly fisherman learn about and manipulate their  prey’s needs.

Whether or not one believes in God or the Devil, it is hard to disagree with the reality of “lures” in our environment that will limit our freedom and ultimately destroy our lives.  Addictions are the most common lures that hook and trap individuals. Addictions are a powerful and effective way of soothing emotional distress and satisfying unmet needs. Even though the relief is temporary, the experience the user is having feels authentic....

In recovery work, we learn a lot about toxic shame. Toxic shame is the feeling that we are deeply flawed, inadequate, and therefore, unworthy of being accepted and loved. Toxic shame is like being plunged into darkness, with a very limited view of yourself and your abilities. Even worse, it hijacks your sense of being accepted, and so you resort to staying in the dark versus reaching for connection.  Like being stuck in deep mud, it takes work to be pulled out and redirected when we are in shame. There is another form of self-evaluation that is much more productive and gives rise to a desire for change. This feeling is called guilt. When we feel guilt, we are aware that our actions do not match our values. Unlike shame that makes us feel inadequate and stuck, guilt spurs a sense that we are motivated for change. Guilt is a connecting emotion: When we feel guilt, we know that our actions are incongruent with our values. So does addiction affect our ability to...

What is Pornography…

As a therapist that specializes in pornography addiction I am constantly asked
the question “what is pornography?” Many people would think that the answer is
really simple, however, after working with couples that are battling pornography
addiction the answer can sometimes be complicated.

The dictionary defines pornography as “creative activity (writing or pictures or
films etc.) of no literary or artistic value other than to stimulate sexual desire.” This
definition is actually very helpful and requires rigorous honesty for an addict. When
an addict learns to evaluate how his body is affected by anything they are exposed
to they reach a new level of recovery. Further, an addict will be in a better position
to be sensitive to their spouse and work on choosing healthy ways to deal with it
together.

In the early stages of recovery it is common for many addicts to spend unnecessary
energy trying to define what porn is....